Time Goes By

Sunday Morning in the Preacher's House AND The Importance of Corporate Worship

2012-01-20T23:10:00.003-06:00

So...let me begin this post by saying what it is not. It is not a whiny or gripey rant...because i love being married to a pastor. It is not a "woe is us" story. However, it is an attempt to give insight. It is an attempt to encourage and say, "You can do it!"
The truth is...Sunday is difficult. My husband is bi-vocational. He works a 40 hour a week job and he also pastors our church. When he comes home we have dinner together, he plays with all of the kiddos, he reads with them from the Bible & goes over their catechism questions and we both take part in putting them to bed. He is a great dad. Usually around 9:00 he retreats to his office to study for his Sunday sermon. Now, he meets with several people throughout the week for counseling. Some he meets for coffee at 6:30 a.m.. Some he meets with for an hour after work and before dinner. His study time usually ends around 12:30-1 a.m.. When Saturday rolls around, he usually needs to study from the afternoon on into the evening. It is important to state all of this before just jumping into Sunday Morning. Why? Because so many times people say to me, "I can't get up on Sundays because it is my only day off!" or "I'm so tired because I've worked all week." I can totally empathize...
So...Sunday Mornings are a different animal at our house. Daddy goes to Worship in a different car because he needs to get there a little earlier and stay a little longer. So I start moving toward breakfast pretty early. Once everyone gets up, the dance begins. It is a different day than other days. We consider this Day a Holy Day. The Lord has commanded His people to gather together to Worship Him: to hear from the Pastor -the Words of God from the Bible- the Gospel, to eat the Family Meal-Communion, to sing to Him- Psalms, Hymns & Spiritual songs and to encourage-one another. Twice a month out church community eats lunch together after Worship. This week we will have a baptism and lunch. And...did I mention....we have 5 kids in our house? It is very likely that one of the five will not feel up to par. Honestly, there are weeks that I do not feel up to par. However, I do lots of things during the week not feeling up to par. So, we decided a long time ago that Corporate Worship would be a priority in our lives. The preached Word is remarkably healing. Sunday is what we are preparing for all week long. In my home growing up it was a non-negotiable. Thanks be to God.
We can never find our shoes. What is it with the shoes? One Sunday we got there and one of the girls wasn't wearing shoes. Guess what- we all survived. One thing that really helps is when everyone decides on Saturday night what they are wearing on Sunday...along with two matching shoes....and they lay everything out together on the table. The hair thing can be trying,as well. Simply because black people hair is a little more difficult for a white person to just "pull up". Our corporate Worship begins at 10:30. I normally get everyone dressed and I am usually jumping in the shower around 9:40 and walking out of the door, at the latest, by 10:10.
Once we get to church, getting everyone in the door and seated is the hard part. It's like herding kittens. I honestly do not understand some of the complaints that I hear from people with just a couple of kids. Once in church, I find it extremely restful :). Actually- it is the salve that I have waited for all week. (I do not expect any of my non-Christian friends to understand this....and that's cool...just post about that on you're own blog.)
So....what's the point of all of THAT? I'm not sure really- other than to express "what it's like" to do this...and to say, "It IS worth it." Guess what? There is a super-natural healing and rest that comes from and flows out of obedience.
Our kids know what is important to us. They know who is important to us. And believe it or not- they are shaped by these things. They will grow to value what we value. But more importantly than that- WHY would we not want to meet with the people of God to worship Him?

im too busy

2011-12-12T00:09:00.003-06:00

im too busy to post right now...parenting 5 children has made me one tired puppy. i am thinking about something that i want to write about however. i am planning on writing about "Sunday Mornings in the Preacher's House." Should have this out this week...we shall see. This should be a fun road to go down....

The Looking Glass

2011-09-06T21:10:00.005-06:00

The past month has literally passed like none other. Many of you know that Abby, my mom, and I went to visit my brother & his family in Brussels, Belgium. We had an incredible time. It was an invaluable experience for all of us. One of the things that literally changed my life was the trip that my brother and I took to Paris.
There have been several times throughout the years when things have happened and I have paused and thought to myself,"Don't forget what's happening right now." When a close friends' children were recently adopted I took a mental snapshot of all that was wrapped up in that one moment for me . When Greg was ordained and his friends, who were from our time of ministry back at Sagemont drove in to pray over him during the service, time stopped. When Abby was born and Amazing Love was playing in the background, my arms were tied down because of the surgery and I turned my hands up to thank God for her and the moment. When I stepped off of the plane returning from India, Australia, Mexico, & Amsterdam I marked a tab in my mind. When the judge's gavel hit loud and hard saying, "She is your daughter"-my life was altered. The day my dad died, the letter my great aunt gave me, the day Greg told me that he loved me, the first time Lucy looked straight into the camera, all of these things define my life to me.
I was not prepared, however, for the impact of this trip.
My brother and I left from Brussels, with Abby and his three teenagers at 7:00 the morning after our arrival. My mom was planning on making the trip and wound up being sick that day. It was all new to me. We rode the metro to the train station. The train was crazy. 200 miles an hour while drinking espresso. Of course, the first stop was The Eiffel Tower. Kyle brought me up beside the tower...so I wasn't expecting it when he said, "Hey, look over there!" It was really amazing. We went everywhere. Notre Dame, an incredible CityView tower where we saw a 360 view of Paris, anything you can think of we walked to. Later in the afternoon Kyle asked if we wanted to go to The Louvre. We all agreed. I was exhausted already and it had begun to get a little warm. We stood in line and we finally got in. There were thousands of people there. At on point my brother and I looked at each other and started laughing and I said, "It's Wednesday and all of these people are here. We, like everyone else there, wanted to hit the high points. We were off to find The Mona Lisa. Well, we found her surrounded by people from every tribe, tongue and nation. I grabbed Abby's arm and pulled her, pushing and shoving, to the front for a quick glimpse of this painting I have heard about for 39 years. We quickly snapped and gawked and moved out of the way. And I did have "a moment" there...but not the one I am writing about here.
At this point, we all divided up. The kids were funny because, well, they are kids. They won't really appreciate any of this for about 20 more years. Kyle and I continued to look. As I began to be taken in by the magnificent wonders that I was seeing, most I did not even know existed until that minute, I began to feel extremely small. Even as I type this I am aware of how shallow and flat my description is. There were so many paintings of Christ. I was really interested in how the painters would depict His humanity and mortality. What made them choose the scene that they had painted? What about Christ nursing, clinging, eating with friends, discussing at the table important truths all the while children rolled on the floor with their pet dog and servants served in the background, made them see Him as He was. Of all of the scenes that had captured them- this was the one. Seriously, if you have ever been there you can concur, there were so many portrayals of Christ that I forgot that other paintings might be unrelated. At one point I saw a portrait of a man and I thought, "Huh, who is he? Is this a theologian? Is this a martyr?" The placard read something like this, "Man on the Street". Wow. I had viewed so may pictures of Jesus Christ that I began to see every other work in relationship to Him. I saw this man and thought, "What is his context...in relationship to Jesus?" The heaviness of this landed on me with such gravity that I had to stop because I was so overwhelmed with emotion. All of life, all of creation, all the earthiness of every moment finds it's meaning in relationship to Christ.
2 Corinthians 3:18 says, "And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit." How are we changed? By beholding Him. Even in worship, I worship as a receiver. "We love because He first loved us." I have this picture of what i think "the Day of the Lord" will look like. I think it will feel very similar to that moment. I am falling forward because of the weight of His glory and all things are simultaneously circling Him and suddenly it all makes sense.
By the way, the Man on the Street is there too...

Peace I give you...

2011-04-25T22:07:00.004-06:00

One of the neatest things that we did over the weekend was attend an all Latin mass. Ellie and I went on Maundy Thursday. Abby had a baseball game out of town, however, Greg would not be off work in time to keep the younger ones or for us to get there in time....and there was NO way that i was taking them THAT day. Let's just say it wasn't their finest hour. In History, we have been studying a lot about the Roman Catholic Church. Several months ago I called the priest at the church and asked if he would give our kiddos a tour and explain some of their basic practices. We were very excited but he was sick the day that we were suppose to go. I had never been to a mass so i thought, "Why not go Latin?" So, Ellie and I went. We sat on the back row. To say that she was nervous would be an understatement. She was overwhelmed by the statues, the bells, the incense, the altar boys, the kneeling, crossing and the cantor. I know that it was her first time to see a foot washing ceremony. At one point she almost jumped out of her seat. I put my arm around her and whispered, "Nothing unexpected is going to happen TO you. You are seeing everything that will happen." I must say, I thought it was a beautiful service. We did not receive communion because we are not Roman Catholic...and of course, our view of the sacraments are different. I had encouraged Ellie to make observations while we were there. I told her to take everything in and we would discuss it later. The diversity was noticeable. The liturgy was longer. The Latin was different. It was really cold. The incense was s.t.r.o.n.g so the fans HAD to keep moving. I was sure that she would have noticed all of those things. When we left she said two things: 1) "Can we get a sno cone?" 2) "You saw everything I did so..."
On Sunday during worship one of our Elders read John 20. I was captivated by Lord's desire to give peace. PEACE. Do I need to tell you how many times in a day i feel unrest? disillusionment? confusion? the effects of the fall are real in me...but Christ gives peace. quiet. rest. order. hope. Life.

We had Easter Lunch at my Mom's. This year felt a little different. My grand-mother and great-aunt were there, with one uncle who has not lived the greatest life. Their health is failing quickly. They are dealing with old age, forgetful minds and feeble bones. One is spiritual and two are not. There is a fight to hold on to what used to be and a resistance to accept what is. We took lots of pics, thanked God for His grace through Christ and watched the kids play in the backyard. My great aunt brought a friend with her from her assisted living place. She cannot remember her last name but she knows Elvis and that she played basketball in high school.
One Day...One day we will all sit in that same seat. we will be quirky, forgetful and clumsy. we will not remember things that define us at this moment. I know that the unknown scares my aging relatives. I know that they feel alone in the midst of family and friends. They say that "the world no longer looks the same."
When I think about the things that cause so much commotion in my life i wonder "Why?" "Why am I wasting my day/time on this?" "Why am I building my kid's memories of home with this block?""Why am I putting so much emotion into this?" Sitting at the table that day with my aged family at times felt suffocating. But this thought came to me, "Nothing unexpected is going to happen TO you. You are seeing everything that will happen." Awesome. It will all culminate in "growing old". Yippeee! BUT Christ says, "Don't forget the PEACE!" In this life you are going to have trouble...but I am giving you PEACE."
One of the main truths that I left the mass with that Thursday evening was the real presence of Christ. My hope? Christ in me. He has made me his own and he gives me real peace.He has given me His real presence. He offers me life beyond this life...and beyond the grave. Thanks be to God who has given me the victory in Christ Jesus.

New Places

2011-04-02T20:09:00.012-06:00

My girls are growing up. I was talking to a friend tonight relaying our "happenings" for the weekend. I was pulling into Starbucks kid free. Ellie was spending the night with a friend. Abby had gone to a church event with a friend. Lu & Zoe were about to go to bed and Greg was finishing up the sermon for Sunday. She said, "Wow." I had not really reflected on how quickly time had passed. 5 years ago last month we were finalizing an adoption with a little one who was going to take a lot of attention and energy for the next several years. There really hasn't been much time to stop and think about how far we have come as a family. We are functioning- healthy, happy & grateful - in awe of the goodness and grace of God.
My five year old is giving us glimpses into her "more developed" personality. She has a large vocabulary with absolutely no concern for context. It has been interesting to watch her try to find her place in this white family without the ability to fully process her unique situation. She knows that she's not white. She knows that she's brown. But she's just not sure if it's okay to call attention to our obvious differences. She carries many unanswered questions with her everyday. Sometimes they slip out in my presence however, most of the time she whispers them to her imaginary friend. I think that she is making sense in her own way and in her own time, i pray, that she can see the blessing of that is her world.
Ellie, my 9 year old, is still with me everyday. My home school experience with her has not been difficult at all. She is a hard worker who knows that if she'll just get in there and get everything done- then the rest of the day is hers. She has such a compassionate heart and seems to connect the dots effortlessly. She has an ability to take an abstract concept and apply it in real life. She is going to start volunteering some this year and i am excited to see her interact with other people on this level. She's so fun to have around.
There is really too much to say about this little muffin to sum up in one sentence. If you've read my blog for anytime at all you know that Lucy has come SO far. She is about to start reading. She meets with a friend of mine twice a week who is working with her on some educational goals. She stopped taking her supplements about 18 days ago and she is doing maaahvelous! i am so happy to see her "fully present". I have no idea what to attribute this too other than growth spurts, prayer & her feeling of safety. That probably makes no sense to any of you unless you have walked down this same path of foster and adoptive care. i am praying for her continued growth and stability. She loves to sing, learn and dance. She is a JOY!
My oldest, Abby, is teaching me everything about parenting & and is breaking me in pretty quickly. She is almost 12 and is growing up to be a fantabulous person. FUNNY, easy to spend time with and a gentle spirit. She is about to finish 5th grade at the Christian school. She wants to live everyday of her life. It kills me that i can look at her today and see glimpses of the woman that she will soon be - the way she looks, laughs, talks, etc. She is fun to hang out with. In fact, as i am typing this she is trying to make me laugh by lip-synching the title song from Dog the Bounty Hunter.
My point in writing all of this is just to reflect on 1) How quickly life happens & 2) How gracious the Lord has been to us to give us this great life with these great kids. As many of you know, our home is on open status again for foster/adoptive care. I am excited to see who the Lord will send our way. What kid will change our lives by his/her presence in the world? What child will continue to mold & shape us into who we are to be? The Lord is so dynamic. He is always working His good will and pleasure. What an exciting time to be alive.

it's been a while...

2011-03-20T16:03:00.001-06:00

but i've go something brewing! need a little down time so i can write...there in lies the problem. :) happy kids, busy mom.

tonight

2011-02-22T23:21:00.003-06:00

tonight, like every other night, i am up way to late. i have noticed that the older my children get the greater demands there seem to be. i am using demands in the sense of non-negotiables. we have more to discuss, organize, manage and create. as our oldest learns greater responsibility, which frees us to a certain degree, we have to deal with the fact that our child that requires more care requires more time. so there is a give and take, but as you all know, it often feels like more is being taken. however, i have caught myself today- in middle of setting the table, doing the dishes, typing a blog, pausing to be caught up in the reality of God's unfailing love toward me. I have been absorbed today in the idea of being seen and captured by the Lord of this Universe. I have unwillingly focused today on the fact that we are a part of a Greater Story...one that we are not the center of. We are clay. He is the Potter. i must admit that over the past several years, i have come to empathize with the immigrant. One who's native land is foreign to the place where he or she resides. i am speaking in a spiritual sense. when i woke up the day after my dad died- everything looked different. not bad- just sharper. things that had my attention the day before didn't seem quite as pressing the day after. that's how i feel today. Aware. akward and a little clumsy...but Awake.
now- i need sleep.

i've been following this blog for a while...

2011-02-05T12:41:00.004-06:00

http://aplacecalledsimplicity.blogspot.com/2011/02/if-god-told-me-to-i-would.html

love to hear your thoughts. i have felt this same disdain for excuses throughout the years. greg has often said that most of the time people aren't actively engaging the idea of foster/adoption & orphan care...they are just excusing themselves from it. we need never gripe about any group who does what we, the church, should do for the oppressed. we, of all people, should be sacrificing our comfort, pleasure and selfish pursuits to love, parent, treasure & welcome into the church- the least of these. this is the true fast. do not expect your children to one day do what they do not see you model now. the messiness of the gospel, the messiness of the incarnation, the mundane, normal, christian life involves us living, embracing, and struggling through our own discomforts and dealing with our sin, to provide life for those who have no hope.

I love (stuff) too much

2011-01-23T22:58:00.005-06:00

I am writing this now but will post it later. At this time my husband and I are involved in what we would consider to be an extensive fast. We have fasted in the past- but never at the same time. So far, during this time, I have fractured my foot, our washer has gone out, we had the worst fight of our 15 years of marriage, we had to buy a new dishwasher, and last night our heater went out- and it just so happens that it is the coldest day of the year thus far. Simultaneously, we felt led to foster care again, someone gave us $1000 on the day that our heater died and our spiritual awareness has sharpened markedly and my concern for earthly goods has drastically diminished. I am seriously aware of how quickly these goods waste away.(my body included) I am also keenly aware of the trust I put in things of the world and the immeasurable amount of comfort that they bring to me. God save me!
I pray for grace to persevere in this fast. It feels as if it will go on forever. I know that I can do it because the past keeps reminding me. But I must confess: Though my face is not long -my heart is. I miss Eating. I miss feeling physically full. But I must confess- I hate feeling out of control. My eating-worship habits have been crazy. I rarely deny myself of anything. So capturing this desire has made me feel strongly indebted to the Lord who has given me the power in Christ to conquer this Maniac that seeks to devour me through my own devouring. Whether that is shopping, giving my opinion, having my way, choosing to be distracted rather than engaged or beginning my day with Matt Lauer instead of Jesus Christ. Whatever the sin may be- it is still sin.
It is unbelief.
I think that during this time we have sacked up and given away about 25 bags of clothes, toys and junk. Stuff that we like, things that make us feel good about ourselves, and make others feel good about us. These things tend to woo me away from the God that whispers, "Be in the world not of the world". I must confess, I like quirky things. i like to hold on to stuff i might need. i like to "pass down". guess what- i think the lord has freed me from this. i pray that this is the case. i pray that he, in his grace, effectually moves me to hold on loosely to everything as a provision for that day alone. (Give us this day our daily bread.)

It's almost 2011

2010-12-26T21:36:00.008-06:00

So i have done an awful job blogging for the last several months. honestly, we have been a little busy. we have had such a great opportunity to speak at some remarkable events concerning foster care, hospitality, orphan care & racial equality this past year. we very seldom say no to these opportunities because we are truly concerned & driven by the lord to do so. also, in trying to be involved in our community, we have committed to some local "causes" that we are passionate about. advocacy is such a key-phrase that is used today, however, there are some categories of humanity that Christ specifically mentions all throughout scripture- the sojourner, the impoverished, the widow, the orphan (fatherless). we do not have to look far to identify these folks. what is a sojourner? a person who stays for a time in a place or lives temporarily here. as americans, we tend to view investment in what it will yield us. If someone tells you, "I'll only be here 6-8 months" you might be tempted to not give all that you have because you will not be the one to benefit from the fruit of your investment. in leviticus (holy bible) we are told to leave a portion for the sojourner -more than once. truth be known- anything we give has been given to us. we are always giving as receivers. the freedom and blessing in understanding this is transformational. we create space for others in our world. this is not a discussion on boundaries - obviously there are priorities rather it is about not making excuses in community-living. i am raw with awareness since my brother and his family moved 4,952 miles across the ocean. i pray everyday that a family will open their home to them. that a person will help them, teach them, include them and reassure them that they are "seen" and valued.
who are the widows? a man or woman who has lost his or her spouse by death and has not remarried. we all have parents, family members, neighbors, church family members, who are alone. this is where we start. going out of our way to include, care for, have in our home for meals, special occasions, holidays, sunday lunch, shopping, grooming, appointments, taking to them to sonic or starbucks, etc. this is not an easy task. sometimes, most of the time, it is a very mechanistic endeavor. it is one that crushes Me. not all widows/widowers are old. some are younger and full of energy. some are deeply depressed and struggle to survive under the weight of loss and grief. some need to be reminded that they are not forgotten and that someone hears their voice and that someone sees them in their hopeless state. our culture is geared toward couples. we should work to include, befriend and value the single in our world. we were created to live in relationship to one another. i have often thought of a widow that i know, who has a grown child with special needs. she will never have grand children and she will always have her child at home. who will assume responsibility for her child when she dies. how does she deal with the grief of knowing that she will never engage in the "grand-children" discussion with her peers? she has little common ground with anyone, other than her deceased husband. how can we offer hope? how can we engage and include her? what can my children do consistently to shed light on her?
who are the impoverished? those reduced to poverty; deprived of strength, vitality, creativeness, etc. i tend to believe that the impoverished includes those with special needs or mental illness that are lost in society. they are under the care of the state: nursing homes, group homes, or homeless. i feel a real ripping, tug-of-war going on inside of me concerning how we "deal" with these people. we were laughing at a status update from one of our friends the other day who said that he heard some college students call a homeless person a hobo. it made me wonder if that student had any friends or acquaintances who were homeless or hungry. please hear me- this is not an indictment on you if you do not. it is however a plea to "open your eyes". many of the people that we have befriended don't really want anything from us. they usually don't want us to find them a place to live or to try and "fix" there situations. honestly, some of them cannot survive in the everyday maintaining of a stable environment. not always...but that has just been my experience. most just want a friend. they might need help in some scenarios, but not always. some just need friends in the same way that you and i need friends. these relationships can be exhausting - for one person. however, we are called to them- as a people, a body, the church. our church body befriended a man. he lived at our church building for several months, worshiped with us, ate with us at the building and in our homes. cooked meals for us in mutual fellowship, he did his laundry and took his showers in our elders' homes. and one day, he left. and guess what- he stole nothing. he destroyed nothing. he lived and moved on. i wish that he would've stayed and grown with this body, but he did not. was it for not? i think not. i had a brother who was homeless for half of his life and died a homeless alcoholic on the street. my prayer would be that the body of Christ would have made an attempt to be hospitable, compassionate, neighborly and moved by grace to embrace him, care for him and encourage him. he was a believer with numerous addictions and failures. just like me. thanks be to God that i am not homeless and that my addictions have not overtaken me.
who are the orphans? a child who has lost both parents through death, or, less commonly, one parent. according to scripture, it is a child without a father. oh my. we shouldn't have to look far to find an orphan. a man, who i have much respect for, who is retired, has recently started a non-profit to place children of imprisoned parents in stable homes, until they are released. there is a great need for parents in our society. one of my friends, who is single, had a 2 year old placed in her home the week before Christmas. a family that we worship with weekly, after raising their bio children, adopted 10 kids. why not? seriously. why would you not give your life for these? it is a great question that we all should ask ourselves. greg and i have many times discussed this idea. we hear so many people say,"i could never" or "i don't have the room" or "there's no space" or "i don't have the money". in our estimation, most of these are excuses. there are some legitimate concerns to think about, however, most of the time it causes one's brain to hurt to think about all of the re-orienting of their time, the shaving away of their vacation and the energy that they must exert to really invest in the life of another. the understanding that "visit the orphan" that James speaks of is more than just a "visit" as you and i define "visit".
i am wresting with ideas of how to work this yeast into the dough of my girl's lives. project-less living. an issue-free, Christ-centered, gospel- fueled, people-embracing life.
i am a complete failure on all fronts. many times my actions are full and my heart is empty. but the one thing i know is that i was a slave, i was an orphan, i was impoverished BUT God, being rich in mercy, rescued me.

I guess I should...

2010-10-17T21:56:00.004-06:00

i guess i should write a little about homeschooling. That is the reason that i began this blog several years ago. obviously i have not commented much on this since august. this year has proven to be more difficult. i have my 11 year old and my almost 9 year old that i am teaching. my 6 year old is in a christian school for now and my 5 year old is home. i absolutely love the reading, history and english that we are using. honestly, i am growing to enjoy the math. my biggest fight, however, is with myself. dying to myself. believe me, i know that i sound like a broken record. i hear my internal dialogue day after day. i need the lord to re-shape me and re-wire my broken hard drive. i must admit that i am in love with the girls that i get to spend my day with. i wish that the rest of my heart was at home all day, however, that has not proven to be the lord's plan for her. the issue is that i feel this pressure...that i must admit- i have absolutely no idea where it comes from. it is like i can loose the day over a moment. a dumb moment. like a four year old kid who didn't get the blue lollipop. God have mercy on me. my goal is to indoctrinate, pass on a passion for missions and service where we are and to teach them to understand how important their role is in the home...not just in the future but now. the one thing that i am sure of is this- my girls love what i love. this is not a lie- they beg me to do history every day. why? because i LOVE history and i love to tell stories. when i enjoy what i am doing with them- they enjoy it too! i hate doing things with people who whine and seemed overly burdened...yet, i see this sin in myself. being a parent, a good parent, is so difficult. but i love it. at family camp this summer a friend of mine said, "there is a difference in 'being there' and 'being with'. Lord, teach me to be with my children. so, as for homeschooling- my third year- it is still a learning process for me. i pray that i will BE who i want them to BE.

Life is LIFE

2010-10-06T20:41:00.006-06:00

One of the things that I appreciate about living in a small town is the sense of community. Today the checker at the store told me, "If you get a chance, come back by and we'll talk." I was at an activity for one of my kids and the moms talked back and forth as if they had known each other for years. In fact, they talked about grandparents and sisters that some of us did know. Tonight when I went through the drive thru of a local hamburger place, the girl knew what burgers we wanted and how many. One of my favorite things, however, which I know will seem odd to some, is that people here still pull over for a funeral procession. This afternoon I was flying down the road with all of the windows down, while the kids sang to Camp Rock 2 rejoicing that we were going to buy popsicles, when I was arrested by the police lights and the long white cars which seemed to move in slow motion. I pulled over immediately and turned the radio off. "Kids, get quiet!" I said. "Who died?" they asked. "Some One" I said.

Life is so precious.

I yelled at my kids tonight because I needed peace and quiet.
I prayed too quickly with them when I put them too bed.
I turned on a song to block out the noise.
I made a joke rather than discuss something important.
I pretended to listen to someone today.

I know that I am not perfect. I know that I will do all of these things again...probably tomorrow. But to be engaged in Life...and all of the people who will one day be no more...this is so important. The older I get I seem to think more about how wasteful I am in relationships. Many times I view others only as a means to get what I want. Most of the time I am thinking only of my own comfort. And many times, I just want to be left alone.

Life is so fragile.

I would like to be as sincere as my friend who works at The Dollar Store.
I want to be as compassionate as Jackie at the AIDS Clinic.
I wish I was as unselfish as Tillie.
I want to be as selfless as my husband.
I hope to be as loyal as Ruth was to Naomi.

May we live all the days of our lives.

Learning to Re-learn

2010-08-31T14:57:00.002-06:00

I am so impatient. I have noticed that when Abby or Ellie "flounders" to understand a concept...I am so irritated. I know that this has more to do with me than them. I know that I if I were teaching it in a creative way that they could resonate with then the problem would be eliminated. I also know that I am not Wonder Woman. i mean, honestly, some of my frustration is because of their laziness. I am having to be a wall right now. "Do not pass go. Do not collect $25." There are concepts that we are reviewing that should not be as difficult to them- if they would apply themselves. I am having to remember that they are young and that I am the one who volunteered for this. Getting irritated with them accomplishes absolutely nothing. In fact it produces what I do not want. I have to think on their level and try to imagine how they are hearing what I am saying.
In homeschooling, much like adoption, and parenting in general, I get downwind of myself almost daily. My heart is on display with every word that falls from my mouth. When the girls are scrapping Greg is really great at stopping them and saying, "Did you just say that she made you do that?? She didn't make you do anything. You responded out of the overflow of your heart." Wow. Could you not say that again?
Being a parent, homeschooling, dealing with life, a dog, a house that is always in need of re-pair- May all of this reveal a heart that is worshiping and grace filled!

Loosing Me

2010-08-22T21:43:00.003-06:00

The most difficult transition for me, concerning parenthood, over the past twelve years has been loosing myself. I have noticed that I have become a very un-opinionated individual concerning "stuff". I really do not care a whole lot anymore about where we eat, if I get to buy a new pair of Tom's or if we watch Discovery or NatGeo. (Now, music is an entirely different subject!) I think that I, concerning our family, am learning slowly but surely, how to let go.
When Abby was 2 1/2 and Ellie was about 4 months, I got a job. "I needed a job so that I felt like I was accomplishing something." It is really comical to me to read that statement now, however, then it was survival. I remember telling Greg that I didn't feel as if I could accomplish one task all day - that I wouldn't have to turn right around and re-do due to the precious 2 year old. So I got a job at Starbucks and believe me, I felt great pride in taking the trash out there, cleaning the store and making drinks that seemed like gold to the customer.
Now, I am busy all day- re-doing what I did the day before. I am washing all of the time. Picking up plates, re-filling milk cups & picking up wet towels. I am building,however, one block at a time, one day at a time, one encouraging word, one "good job", one pat at a time. I have learned that in loosing me I am finding me.
I think that at the beginning of every school year I have to re-focus. I have to preach the Gospel to myself. I must re-new my mind and my will. I am seeing though, by God's grace, what I was unable to see before. My grandchildren need me now, to pour into their mom's. My future son-in-laws are relying on me to train, mold, indoctrinate and teach-how-to-follow, their future wives. I have felt, and now more than ever, the weight of this God-given purpose.

Raising Global Christ Followers

2010-07-31T06:54:00.001-06:00

Read this on my brother's blog-

http://disqus.com/forums/kylegoenblog/raising_global_christ_followers_pt2/trackback/

Give to Caesar What is Caesar's

2010-07-22T04:45:00.000-06:00

PRICELESS: A Novel on the Edge of the World

2010-07-17T19:24:00.006-06:00

So i have been postponing this review in an attempt to get the book back in my hands. The day that i finished my friend, Shannon, who was leaving for vacation called and asked if i would leave the book on my porch for her to pick up. The day that i got the book back- my great aunt, who is 79, took the book to read because she had heard my ranting about it! so- i do not have the book in my possession at this time...HOWEVER, i will REVIEW!
Let me begin by saying that Tom Davis is a phenomenal story teller. I am not easily captivated. i find that i am an easily distracted, mind wandering, Mother of 4. I hate that this consumeristic, entertainment, novel world has shaped me as much as it has. However,this is where his ability to capture the reader comes in. He has a powerful ability to arrest the reader and transport them to a world that is completely foreign. He waste no time and uses no unnecessary explanations or descriptions.
To say that this book is fast-paced is an understatement. It is a dark, suspenseful ride.
The character development is great. Presently i am reading a book that has multiple stories, involving numerous characters and I must say keeping them straight has been laborious. Priceless is the opposite. This work is focused and clear. From the beginning I was intrigued by the accusation that the Church was somehow instrumental in the trading of these young girls for prostitution and slavery. There were times that i was sickened by the underworld of those who should be "rescuing the perishing."
The thing that I appreciate the most about Tom's writing is the capacity that he has to connect the reader with the character. I loved the weaknesses that he exposes in the main character, Stuart Daniels. From the minute this married man reconnects with his Russian contact and ex-girl friend he is aware of his attraction to her. I love that he is faithful to his wife. I love that Stuart is a fringe church member. And that the church where is beginning to re-connect is not one that is considered modern evangelical. Tom is an author that I believe understands his audience- which in turn tells me that he understands people.
This book, as well as Fields of the Fatherless, that he authored and i read last year , truly motivated me. I feel like a dweeb in saying that "they made me want to be more involved" and "i want to help the hurting." So i won't say that. His books make me want to help one person. He rattles my benevolence grid and pushes me to stop seeing wrecked lives as $50 projects. I feel like I have the ability and the resolve to live wholeheartedly for myself. I have the will and fortitude to loose myself in me and all that reminds me of me. Mr. Davis has a way of pressing the pause button on my self indulgent world. Reading his work is like sitting down to a fabulous meal, with fabulous drinks, in a fabulous place, with all of my fabulous people surrounding me and the minute that i am about to engage in my fabulous first bite i make eye contact with the lonely and distraught, orphan prostitute who misses her mom and just needs to borrow my iPhone long enough to call home. His writing reminds me that i must take a step. i must engage with a world that has gone absolutely crazy. when i look into the eyes of the hurting i must see my children, my mother and my brother.

This Book is ...

2010-06-30T23:03:00.002-06:00

PRICELESS...

I am extremely pumped about this book.

Can't wait to give you my thoughts on it.

I won't belabor the point...

2010-06-08T06:16:00.002-06:00

If someone has children who do not obey and they home school- the issue is not home schooling. The child is disobedient. Maybe the parents are not in control of their children or the child might have a problem that you are unaware of - whatever the case might be - it is a heart issue. What if this child is disobedient at home, however, in the school classroom he/she acts fine & orderly? There is a problem that needs to be addressed. PLEASE stop blaming home education. Sometimes, the problems cease when the child is brought home because the parent is forced to deal with the sin in order to educate their son/daughter. When someone says, "I could never home school Blair because she would argue with me the entire time." There is an issue that needs to be confronted. WHY does Blair argue with the authority that God has placed in her life? WHY not use these opportunities to make Blair look at her own heart and listen to your voice. WHY? Because it is difficult. Are there other scenarios in which these authority lessons can be learned? Sure. However, there is something different that happens in these lessons. So, PLEASE do not blame an entire system of education on bad parenting or misplaced worship. I will not do this to the form of education that you have chosen for your child. Thank you.

Worship - Part 1

2010-05-25T22:24:00.011-06:00

This past week I spoke @ MOPS. I have never been to a Mom's of Preschoolers meeting. This was the last formal meeting of the year so they had a guest speaker...me! Multi-generations were represented because the Mom Mentors were also at the meeting. I was given the topic: Balancing It All...which morphed into: Balancing the Right Things. The pre-morph topic felt a little too abstract to me- like using a debit or credit card. In my world those cards seem to represent all of the money in the world available to me. :) So, the Fields' had to switch to the cash system. That is something manageable and measurable to me. It's real and makes sense. That's the post-morph topic: Balancing the Right Things.
1. First Thing First: Worship - In our families, Lord's Day Worship should be a non-negotiable. It is commanded. It is separate from other days. Our whole week should be leading to this pinnacle event. If you want to see your children begin to structure all of life around worship and begin to see them connect and start to depend on their community of faith- start moving toward Sunday.
What does this look like? Let's start with Sunday and work backwards. We get up and get ready for worship. We try to keep this day open so that we can hang out with the people that we worship with. We eat with them, talk about the sermon, share about our week and how God moved on our behalf, our struggles and our sins. See, the believer begins their week with rest! Sunday is the first day of the week. We, in a sense, are entering into our rest at the beginning of every week. Beautiful re-creation! It's the day that we show up to watch God perform.
Now let's back up to Saturday. On Saturday my entire view is toward Sunday. I think about Sunday lunch. What are we having? Who are we having over? I do not commit to things that are going to have me or my family out too late. I plan things that are complete around dinner. We don't do late movies or concerts, sporting events or hanging out with friends till 2 a.m.. After dinner I have everything that my kids need for Sunday worship laid out on the table. That would be: shoes, clothes, glasses, bible, church bag with snacks...etc) and I have breakfast on the bar for the next morning: muffins, donuts, etc. We have to be walking out of the house no later than 9:50 a.m.. Now, let me speak freely. This is when I usually let out a big sigh when I am talking with someone about this because they usually say or think - "That's too much work." Do I even need to go into all of the problems I have with that statement? I see parents bust their backsides to re-pack back packs, pack snacks, fruit break, sign papers, layout clothes for the next day, feed them breakfast and get them all out of the house by 7:30. What one does communicates more than one what one says. They know what the important things are to you. Why do we put that much strain, effort, preparation for things that are not commanded? Why? Why do we delight in those things and not in corporate worship?
Now, let's back up to Friday
- This is the night that we usually plan our late events, late dates, late concerts and late hang outs. Yes, I know that all of these things do not happen on Friday nights. I do not think that the measure of your Christianity hangs on weather or not you go to a James Taylor Concert, that happens to be on a Saturday night. But I will say this- on the night of my Senior Prom my mom & dad allowed me to stay out very late. Very, Very late. After breakfast, my Dad told me to go get ready for church. I knew that the next morning I would be worshiping with my family. Here I sit typing 20 years later. If I am going to run my kids, or myself all day & night, I want to do it on a day when they have the whole next day to rest.
The rest of the week: Thursday, Wednesday, Tuesday and Monday, for us, looks something like this:
On Monday I might say to my girls: Who in our church body can we send a nice card to?
On Tuesday I can say: Who in our church body can we pray for?
On Wednesday I say: Who do we worship with that we can have over for lunch or dinner?
On Thursday: How can our family serve another family?
*note- This might feel mechanical at first.

Some of you are probably thinking, "I don't have time to do this." As a believer, all of life should look something like this. We all have the same amount of time. Hopefully your pot is being stirred a little...Hopefully you're asking, "Why is it SO important to center everything around corporate worship?"

Simply put- Because the Bible tells us too. Where are we on a journey to? ALL of life is a journey that will culminate in full and final corporate worship.
All of life HERE should be a miniature copy of our life THERE. The NOW and the NOT YET.

What would you say your life is centered around now? What needs to change in order for you to have a Sunday view?

(to be continued : 2. Second Thing Second)

The Sunshine State

2010-05-14T19:11:00.004-06:00

I am in a state of organization right now. It's May! We are cleaning out all of the old books, clothes and dried up markers. We have so much excess that we are choking. A couple of weeks ago we sacked up five trash bags full of toys. And guess what- we STILL have too many. I have noticed that everything is replaceable. We can get rid of coffee mugs and 6 months later our cabinets are completely full again. Clothes are the worst. No matter how many clothes we give away there always seems to be more than we have room to store. Some of this is because we have four girls so the hand-me-down scene can get to be pretty consuming.
I decided, after much deliberation, to convert the study into a school room. I have drug my feet on this for quite a while. We have made it fine in the past doing school at the kitchen table. Now, however, with both of the older girls using real text and hard resources, we have no choice. Everything needs to be in one location...and that one location is not all over my house. So, we were really excited when we found desk at a local thrift store. We threw them in the truck, came home and the re-vamp began. It has been a painful process. The big girls, who are finished with school for the year, were wishing they had some Math or English to complete. It was rough. We had to move a ton of Greg's books up to the upper levels of the bookshelves, move a bed out of there and of course all of the trash that seems to hide in a room when the furniture has not been moved for 3 years. After this accomplishment- that I must say they did a great job helping with- we started on flipping the older girl's room to the younger girl's room and vice verse. I am glad that I included them in this process because the older they get they seem to appreciate my efforts more when they partake in the difficulty of the task. :) So, needless to say, there are still little piles everywhere. There are batteries, spools of thread, a flip-flop...it's like they've formed this little refugee camp in my hall. They have no place to call home and they're just hanging out...together.
All of this has caused me to feel unsettled. Now, I know, because I payed a lot of money for my Counseling degree, that I do not have to justify why I feel what I feel. But because I never underwent formal counseling, I will explain.
Pulling things out of their "place" and relocating other "things" to make new spots for old stuff causes me to have to make decisions and ask questions. "How much do I have invested in ________________ ? If _____________ means a lot to me then I keep _________________. But in most scenarios I find that most of what I have surrounded myself with is void of any investment. It's just nothing...taking up space....and cluttering my world. That's ____________ depressing. That really causes me to have to take a hard look at what I let enter into my space and consume my time...and believe me- managing stuff can consume ones time. Don't get me wrong...I'm not a hoarder. I'm just a normal Claire Huxtable, June Cleaver, Rosanne, with a house full of kids and a dog. Trying to manage stuff is basically my job. "Where are my shoes?" "Have you seen the keys?" "What happened to all of the pencils?" "Who has my toothbrush?" Saying goodbye to clutter is like an autopsy. "Let's see what we did in the month of April'09? What did we eat, what receipts are we saving from clothes and other junk that were purchased? Where did all of our time get spent?"
I think that it is so beneficial to manage your family & resources well. Most of my kiddos bad habits can be traced back to me. I want them to be able to let go of things that don't really matter in life. However, when I am gripping at them about all of the junk that is laying on their floor- i really do have to take a look at my space!
This week two friends of mine lost their mom to cancer. She had grown up in this town and everyone knew her. For some reason she thought that when she died it would go fairly unnoticed. She had joked with one of her daughters about that. However, the opposite was true. Many came to share their grief with others who expressed the same sentiments. When I called the florist to have an arrangement made the sweet lady said, "She was my husband's first crush when he was 14 years old." History. Lives lived around the same people for decades. Time not wasted on meaningless stuff.
Digging out of the clutter, removing excess baggage, simple living... is like heading to the beach the day after school lets out. I remember the summer after my senior year, I had a little jeep that I loved. In May, right before it gets too hot, the weather is perfect outside. With the top off of a jeep you can experience, truly, one of the most enjoyable rides of your life. Seriously, the evening air is great, the stereo doesn't have to be loud to hear it, but if it is people excuse it because "you're in a jeep." There is one thing that you never, ever, forget when you are driving any type of convertible: you cannot have stuff laying around that is going to fly out. Put it up or throw it away -but it cannot stay on the seat.
As I drive toward the beach, I want to get rid of unused, unimportant, things. Why? So that I have time to invest in real things- people, relationships, activities that produce stronger relationships. The less time I spend managing the excess- the more time I make for myself & others. The less activities, busy work & shuttling to and fro that I do, the more time i have to engage, listen and discuss. I want to live in a calmer state. I know that sounds ridiculous at this stage in my life. It's true, however. I want to live live like I'm leaving for the summer...take out the trash, give the milk & eggs to the neighbor, have a change of clothes and don't forget your bathing suit.

The Prayer of St Francis

2010-04-16T21:30:00.004-06:00

"Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon:
where there is doubt, faith ;
where there is despair, hope
where there is darkness, light
where there is sadness, joy
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen."

Over the past month this prayer has been written in our order of worship...we have also been saying it together in our family worship times. I like to say this prayer for obvious reasons. It cuts against the grain of all that comes natural to me. It has convicted me and produced greater focus in my life. I am a very active person. The flow of people in and out of my home is not something that I begrudge. Actually, it invigorates me. Greg and I have often talked about how we feel that having people in our home has helped our marriage. There are times that while we are in dialogue with others we are hearing each other express thoughts that maybe we weren't understanding when it was just us trying to "discuss" a topic. I have often said, "We're going to give our lives for something- it might as well be people and relationships!" However, when saying this prayer- my eyes have been opened to something...the first sentence.
"Lord, Make me an instrument of your peace."
I am always surprised by the way I can hear things 1000 times and then one day - it is deafening.
I went to buy a dress today. I have two weddings to go to in May. One wedding is in the evening and one is in the afternoon. I have a good friend who is trying to "dress" me for the occasion. All who know me know that I am a fairly "comfortable" dressing individual. So when the time came for this decision to be made- my only input was "I have to look like I didn't try." I hate flashing back to elementary school when my dark jeans with the red balloons on the pockets, matched my red belt and red socks as well as the red ribbons in my pig tails. It was too matchy-matchy. I felt like a K-Mart girl. Like I bought it all as a set from K-Mart. So, that is basically my fashion criteria...it just has to look like I didn't try too hard to make it work and no matching "sets".
In the Gospel of Matthew, we are told "You are the Light." "You are the Salt." Light and Salt? Of all of the great things on the earth that the Creator could've chosen- why these two?
In my estimation - they are natural change agents. They are things that do not have to try. They do their job by being what they were created to be. No thought, No trying, No mouth for talking...just being. Of all the things that HE could have dreamed up to instruct US -it was two objects that exert NO effort at all. They cannot make themselves morph into something else. They cannot appear to be something else. They're just salt & light.
"Lord, MAKE ME an instrument of your peace."
I must admit- I am not sure what this is. I think it is someone who seeks to live in such a way that they right wrongs. I believe that it is someone who lives in such a way that they bring order to chaos. I hope that I am someone that looks for ways to encourage others rather than making them feel stupid. I pray that I can live without so that others might have. Fostering peace, being an "instrument of peace" is something transformational. It is not something that I can just make happen. I tried to be a vegetarian one time...and no lie- at noon I was on the phone with a friend telling her that I had decided to be one and "had started this morning"...and while I was talking to her I was eating a hamburger...I had completely FORGOTTEN! and made a big 'ol side of beef for lunch! That is the honest truth.
"Lord, MAKE ME...
an instrument of your peace."
That is my prayer.

For All of the Skeptics...

2010-03-30T22:50:00.007-06:00

Come on...
You know who you are....
It felt like Christmas had come early...
I came home from the soccer game to find two huge boxes on our porch...
Guess what we got...
Our curriculum for next year has arrived!

I am super excited about it! I know that the girls are going to freak out when they see all of these new books. I am excited about the literature and history. I have decided not to use Shurley English. It is a great program - I just do not like it. I have found it to be unnecessarily complicated. I'm not being critical if that's what you use...I just do not care for it. I am using Rod & Staff instead. Nothing fancy- it's just straight forward and gets the job done.

Math:

Good 'ol Saxon

Did I say that I am SUPER excited about all of this?

Latin:

And of course - the Reading...I L.O.V.E. these guides:

And really quickly- History. I never knew that I liked history so much until I started teaching my kids. To be able to tell the story of what happened and then discuss the results that followed - it is a blast.

I know that it is hard to understand if you do not home school, however, I am so happy that I get to do this!

Holy Week

2010-03-27T21:31:00.002-06:00

Holy Week (Latin: Hebdomas Sancta or Hebdomas Maior, "Greater Week"; Greek: Μεγάλη Εβδομάδα) in Christianity is the last week of Lent and the week before Easter. It includes the religious holidays of Palm Sunday, Maundy Thursday (Holy Thursday) and Good Friday, and lasts from Palm Sunday until, but not including, Easter Sunday -as Easter Sunday is the first day of the new season of The Great Fifty Days. It commemorates the last week of the earthly life of Jesus Christ before his crucifixion on Good Friday and his resurrection on Easter Sunday.

I know several of my family and friends are not Christians, however, for my family this is considered The Holiest Week. This is the week that we remember Christ suffering, reflect on the events that took place and ultimately rejoice in His conquering of Death.

Tomorrow is Sunday. Palm Sunday. According to the Gospels, before entering Jerusalem, Jesus was staying at Bethany and Bethphage, and the Gospel of John adds that he had dinner with Lazarus, and his sisters Mary and Martha. While there, Jesus sent two disciples to the village over against them, in order to retrieve a donkey that had been tied up but never been ridden, and to say, if questioned, that the donkey was needed by the Lord but would be returned. Jesus then rode the donkey into Jerusalem, with the Synoptics adding that the disciples had first put their cloaks on it, so as to make it more comfortable. The Gospels go on to recount how Jesus rode into Jerusalem, and how the people there lay down their cloaks in front of him, and also lay down small branches of trees. The people sang part of Psalm 118-..."Blessed is He who comes in the name of the Lord. Blessed is the coming kingdom of our father, David..."

After that is Wednesday. Holy Wednesday. In Western Christianity, the Wednesday before Easter is sometimes known as "Spy Wednesday",indicating that it is the day that Judas Iscariot first conspired with the Sanhedrin to betray Jesus for thirty silver coins.

This event is described in the three Synoptic Gospels: Matthew 26:14-16, Mark 14:10-12, Luke 22:3-6.

The Sanhedrin was gathered together and it decided to kill Jesus. In the meantime, Jesus was in Bethany, in the house of Simon the leper. Here he was anointed on the head by Mary, the sister of Martha and Lazarus, with very expensive ointment of spikenard. Some of the disciples were indignant about this; the oil could have been sold to support the poor. Judas went to the Sanhedrin and offered them his support in exchange for money. From this moment on Judas was looking for an opportunity to betray Jesus.

Next is Thursday. Maundy Thursday. Maundy Thursday is the Christian feast or holy day falling on the Thursday before Easter that commemorates the Last Supper of Jesus Christ with the Apostles.

Then comes Friday. Good Friday. According to the accounts in the Gospels, Jesus was arrested in the Garden of Gethsemane by the Temple Guards through the guidance of his disciple, Judas Iscariot. Judas received money (30 pieces of silver) (Matthew 26:14-16) for betraying Jesus and told the guards that whomever he kisses is the one they are to arrest. Jesus is brought to the house of Annas, who is the father-in-law of the current high priest, Caiaphas. There he is interrogated with little result, and sent bound to Caiaphas the high priest, where the Sanhedrin had assembled (John 18:1-24). Conflicting testimony against Jesus is brought forth by many witnesses, to which Jesus answers nothing. Finally the high priest adjures Jesus to respond under solemn oath, saying "I adjure you, by the Living God, to tell us, are you the Anointed One, the Son of God?" Jesus testifies in the affirmative, "You have said it, and in time you will see the Son of Man seated at the right hand of the Almighty, coming on the clouds of Heaven." The high priest condemns Jesus for blasphemy, and the Sanhedrin Trial of Jesus concurs with a sentence of death (Matthew 26:57-66). Peter, waiting in the courtyard, also denies Jesus three times to bystanders while the interrogations were proceeding. Jesus already knew that Peter would deny him three times. In the morning, the whole assembly brings Jesus to the Roman governor Pontius Pilate, under charges of subverting the nation, opposing taxes to Caesar, and making himself a king (Luke 23:1-2). Pilate authorizes the Jewish leaders to judge Jesus according to their own Law and execute sentencing; however, the Jewish leaders reply that they are not allowed by the Romans to carry out a sentence of death (John 18:31).
Pilate questions Jesus, and tells the assembly that there is no basis for sentencing. Upon learning that Jesus is from Galilee, Pilate refers the case to the ruler of Galilee, King Herod, who was in Jerusalem for the Passover Feast. Herod questions Jesus but receives no answer; Herod sends Jesus back to Pilate. Pilate tells the assembly that neither he nor Herod have found guilt in Jesus; Pilate resolves to have Jesus whipped and released (Luke 23:3-16).It was a custom during the feast of Passover for the Romans to release one prisoner as requested by the Jews. Pilate asks the crowd whom they would like to be released. Under the guidance of the chief priests, the crowd asks for Barabbas, who had been imprisoned for committing murder during an insurrection. Pilate asks what they would have him do with Jesus, and they demand, "Crucify him" (Mark 15:6-14). Pilate's wife had seen Jesus in a dream earlier that day; she forewarns Pilate to "have nothing to do with this righteous man" (Matthew 27:19). Pilate has Jesus flogged, then brings him out to the crowd to release him. The chief priests inform Pilate of a new charge, demanding Jesus be sentenced to death "because he claimed to be God's son." This possibility filled Pilate with fear, and he brought Jesus back inside the palace and demanded to know from where he came (John 19:1-9). Coming before the crowd one last time, Pilate declares Jesus innocent, washing his own hands in water to show he has no part in this condemnation. Nevertheless, Pilate hands Jesus over to be crucified.(Matthew 27:24-26). The sentence written is "Jesus of Nazareth, King of the Jews." Jesus carries his cross to the site of execution (assisted by Simon of Cyrene), called the place of the Skull, or "Golgotha" in Hebrew and in Latin "Calvary". There he is crucified along with two criminals (John 19:17-22). Jesus agonizes on the cross for six hours. During his last 3 hours on the cross, from noon to 3pm, there is darkness over the whole land. With a loud cry, Jesus gives up his spirit. There is an earthquake, tombs break open, and the curtain in the Temple is torn from top to bottom. The centurion on guard at the site of crucifixion declares, "Truly this was God's Son!" (Matthew 27:45-54)
Joseph of Arimathea, a member of the Sanhedrin and secret follower of Jesus, who had not consented to his condemnation, goes to Pilate to request the body of Jesus (Luke 23:50-52). Another secret follower of Jesus and member of the Sanhedrin named Nicodemus brought about a hundred pound weight mixture of spices and helped wrap the body of Christ (John 19:39-40). Pilate asks confirmation from the centurion whether Jesus is dead (Mark 15:44). A soldier pierced the side of Jesus with a lance causing blood and water to flow out (John 19:34), and the centurion informs Pilate that Jesus is dead (Mark 15:45).
Joseph of Arimathea takes the body of Jesus, wraps it in a clean linen shroud, and places it in his own new tomb that had been carved in the rock (Matthew 27:59-60) in a garden near the site of crucifixion. Nicodemus (John 3:1) also came bringing 75 pounds of myrrh and aloes, and places them in the linen with the body of Jesus, according to Jewish burial customs (John 19:39-40). They rolled a large rock over the entrance of the tomb (Matthew 27:60).

"Then they returned home and rested, because at sunset began Shabbat."(Luke 23:54-56)

Saturday is a solemn day. On Saturday we will meet with our family and church family to have a solemn meditation. We will gather for reading & reflection. We will pray and share a meal. I cannot even imagine that first Sabbath after the cross.

Then comes Sunday. Easter Sunday. The New Testament teaches that the resurrection of Jesus, which Easter celebrates, is a foundation of the Christian faith. The resurrection established Jesus as the powerful Son of God and is cited as proof that God will judge the world in righteousness. God has given Christians "a new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead". Christians, through faith in the working of God are spiritually resurrected with Jesus so that they may walk in a new way of life.

Easter is linked to the Passover and Exodus from Egypt recorded in the Old Testament through the Last Supper and crucifixion that preceded the resurrection. According to the narratives of the New Testament, Jesus gave the Passover meal a new meaning, as he prepared himself and his disciples for his death in the upper room during the Last Supper. He identified the loaf of bread and cup of wine as symbolizing his body soon to be sacrificed and his blood soon to be shed.

Thanks be to God!

My New Favorite Song-by Miranda Lambert

2010-03-22T21:08:00.001-06:00

The House That Built Me

I know they say you can’t go home again
I just had to come back one last time
Ma’am I know you don’t know me from Adam
But these handprints on the front steps are mine

Up those stairs in that little back bedroom
Is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar
I bet you didn’t know under that live oak
My favorite dog is buried in the yard

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

Mama cut out pictures of houses for years
From Better Homes and Gardens magazine
Plans were drawn and concrete poured
Nail by nail and board by board
Daddy gave life to mama’s dream

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can
I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

Spring Brake

2010-03-20T21:54:00.006-06:00

I am sitting at the foot of my bed on the love seat. I am sitting "criss-cross- applesauce" sideways leaning against a pile of laundry. I would have to have about 10 pillows to achieve the same level of comfort that I am experiencing now from "all that is unfinished". We have had a great week- all things considered. It would be a lie to say that it has been care-free and non-tumultuous. It has been a hard week, however, it was needed. The activity load, because it was Spring Break, was strenuous; as well as expensive - but the photographs are tangible memories of the activities that were so quick to end. The bird "cage" at the zoo was not quick- the girls could have stayed in there all day. I, however, do not share the same love for the canaries.

We did not go skiing, rock climbing or to the beach. We stayed home every night. the girls had a couple of friends sleep over. It wasn't until Thursday that I thought, "We should DO something." So about 10 a.m. we loaded up with a friend and her girls and took off. We had a great day at the zoo and got home around 6:30 that night. The girls were tired and their friends wound up staying the night here. The next morning my mom took my four to Chuck E. Cheese. We were there all day. It was actually really fun and I had a great time being there with my mom. Thus far, it is the highlight of Lucy Grace's life. She could barely sleep the night before. She loved it. They all had so much fun and wore themselves out running & playing games. Zoe threw a fit when we told her that it was time to leave. That's when I noticed that the manager was watching us.

I knew what was coming. He came closer to us. "What's wrong with her?" he asked. "Oh, she's just upset because it's time to go." I said. I moved away from him but he stayed close by me until we got to the light: the one that you put your arm under to make sure that someone's not leaving with the wrong family. I have only had this happen about two other times. I knew that he wanted to make sure that Zoe was mine and I am appreciative of that, however, I am not sure how i would've proven to him that she was mine other than with a family picture. Someone told me that they carry a copy of their child's birth certificate & adoption "something or another" with them just in case the police is called. Maybe I need to consider that- not sure. honestly, if I did that - it would probably wind up with lip prints or chewed gum on it. Zoe knows that our skin is different and she knows that I am her mom...and I'm pretty sure that she could take someone out.

Every night this week Greg has read with the girls -just like normal. We have eaten all of our evening meals together -just the same. We have all started out in our own beds and then somehow everyone ends up in ours -as usual. That's why i was shocked by Abby's statement this morning.
"Mom," she said. "We haven't got to spend very much time together this week."
Humph..."What?" I asked.
"You know, like 'together'" she said.
I must confess - I'm not sure exactly what she means. But what I think she means, and by how she responded to what I said, makes me believe that I am pretty close.
"So, you mean like sitting at the table talking & reading with each other? Like we do on school days?" I asked.
She smiled, shook her head and said, "Yep. I like that."
"Yep," I said smiling back. "Me too."

I am glad to get a brake from the break. I am glad to re-engage and to lose the carnival of activity again. Even though it was fun - I am....We are...home-bodies. Boring, coffee-drinking, snuggle-up, memory making home-bodies. And, from her statement to me- it seems that there is still a lot of "unfinished business" that I need to settle into with the girls. Sometimes I believe that I am accomplishing the same goal with the girls by "hauling" them everywhere, entertaining them with activities and getting them to the other people that they will "engage" with that day. But the truth is- I'm not.

While I am typing, I can smell the brisket that is cooking for lunch tomorrow. Our church eats a planned meal together every third Sunday after worship. I love this meal. Apart from all of the great food that everyone signs up to bring, we have such great conversation together -sitting across the table from one another, engaging, sharing food, laughing and listening. For some of these individuals- this might be the only meal that they share with another person all week. For all of us it is significant and shaping.

I believe, as a Christian, that our families are micro-cosms of the church. Should we not just be "making time for"- but rather centering our existence as a family "around" these times of worship and great conversations together; sitting across the table from one another, engaging, sharing food, laughing and listening to each other, being shaped by and shaping our family....as well as -inviting others to our table.

I pray that my days will not be a blur. I pray that I will keep a thoughtful, simple, harnessed view of how life is to be. As one writer says, "Teach me to order my days correctly that I might gain a heart of wisdom" - So be it.

"Don't ask me again. I mean it."

2010-03-09T20:55:00.003-06:00

To say that we are "adjusting" to our old way of doing things would be accurate. Trying to be steady, consistent and normal takes more work than one might think. We have crap scattered everywhere...this is because we do not have a room that contains all of our necessary supplies that are needed constantly. Since I decided to go ahead and pull the girls out a month into the 2nd semester I needed to pull some curriculum from all corners of the earth to adequately complete the year. I had everything that I needed for 2nd grade but was slightly ill equipped for 4th grade. On the first day I was having lunch with a couple of pastor's wives, who also home-school, and I mentioned that I needed to go home and order a couple of things and one of the wives had the math book, workbook and teacher's book that I needed. I came home and realized that I already had the 4th grade reading book and reading workbook that I needed. Whew! I was so relieved because I didn't want to waste a lot of time with the U.S. Postal Service. So the next morning we started with the Math book and we began exactly where Abby left off the week before. We move on to Reading. She reads the lesson and moves on to the workbook. Here's the deal- I love to help my children...but don't take advantage of it. That's just the honest truth. I can tell when my child really needs help and when she is lingering...waiting for someone to tell her the answer or to do the work for her. So after about the third time of asking questions that had seemingly obvious answers to me I tell her, "Don't ask me again! I mean it! Take your time, read and write the answer." The next day we were at the table and I was helping her. I did feel like the answers were a little too difficult to "infer" from the material. So I had her move on to something else and I went online to chat with a "specialist". I ask Joel, the specialist, if I was missing something. I told him what book we were in and asked him about the previous book and asked if we might have "missed" something-some prior readings, entire books...etc? He assured me that we were fine and that we were probably in a "review" portion of the book, etc. So, I take the reader and scan it. "Man, This is asking questions that are not in this book." So I say, "Abby, here's the book it's asking you questions about...maybe this was part of the 3rd grade curriculum so just scan through the first chapter and see if we're on the right track." OK- before anyone starts to criticize me for this I was at my wit's end with this book. It had been a thorn in my side for two days...and it's good material...so I was just trying to get to the bottom of it. So she comes back and says, "Well, that helped. All of the answers were right there." What the heck?
The next morning we had to run an errand so Abby said "I'm going to take my book with me." No kidding, we are in the car and she starts in, "I can't do this. The answers are not in here!" I am so frustrated. Now, I know on a flat screen this seems ridiculous...but have you ever had a day when you wake up, get out of bed and step on a kid's wooden toy block? You go to get in the shower and there's no hot water. You get dressed, pour your coffee and you spill it on your white shirt? Then you should understand. There is a lot of emotion. When Abby starts whining, then Ellie starts whining. Who I must say has absolutely nothing to whine about. To this, and I'm a little embarrassed to to reveal this, I turn around and I'm sure they will totally mimic me and make fun of me for this one day, I say, "OH MY GOSH! It's not that hard. Do not ask me another question until you have read all of it. You are not going to be 'stupid girls'. You two are smart and you're not going to be lazy." There was steam coming out of my ears...I'm sure of it.
Greg comes home for lunch and I am quickly moving around the kitchen transferring a lot of information at once. "Have you called the company about the book?" he asked. "YES-I told you that I did!" I said with the tone of "Don't question me I'm not stupid!" He slowly looks up and says, "No, you said you chatted with them." OH.MY.AM.I.AN.IDIOT???? He leaves and goes back to work.
Later that afternoon after more "questions" I go to Abby and say, "Put the books on the shelf. I'll just order something different." We did this same material in 2nd grade so I am beside myself. I go and get the books, call my friend Christi, and say "Ok- I CANNOT figure this out."
No lie...I lay the books out in front of me and I HAD GIVEN HER: Reading Book Unit 1 & Reading Workbook Unit 2.
OH
MY
WORD!!!!!
That's like leaving something unplugged and thinking it's broken. When I told her she was totally cool but I felt like such an idiot. I texted Greg and of course it made his afternoon. The next morning Abby completed her lesson with ease. She laughed and said, "Finally! This makes sense."
I am such a 'stupid girl'.

So the truth is...

2010-03-06T22:53:00.004-06:00

I have had no time to blog. Most people do not know this...but I love to write. In fact, I do it in my head all day. There is a constant commentary playing. Note that I said "commentary" and not "voices". I am constantly thinking of ways to write what is taking place in real time. I know that that is odd but I have done it for as long as I can remember. Maybe it is something I started doing to make sense of things around me...but I have no idea when it began or what set it into action. If I saw a ball roll into the street I would think something like, "The ball was carried down the street by the cool wind of the evening like a leaf resting on a calm stream." What the heck is wrong with me? I am just now coming to terms with my need for therapy.

As you know, I began homeschooling again mid-February. I have gone back and forth about how much to post concerning this decision, however, one writes about what one knows. On that note, here I go.

When I began homeschooling several years ago I was very nervous about my decision. I saw it as a choice that some made when other options seemed less promising. Most of my insecurities rested in what others thought about my decision. Most of my fears were grounded in the unknown. Can I do it? Can I do it right?

Thanks be to God- I am no longer in that place. I am convinced that we are where we should be. Since I am coming back to it- I no longer have the fear and I am free from the concern about what others think about our decision to do this. For those of you who have more than one child, remember your second birth compared to your first. Remember bringing your second, third or fourth child home from the hospital. With our first daughter we followed all of the rules. With our second, we weren't near as concerned about what "they" said we should do or how to do it. By the time our third was here - she was just along for the ride.

I have noticed some things this time around that have peaked my interest a little. Almost everyone who has entered into a discussion with me on homeschooling has approached it from the perspective of what we are taking away from our children versus what we are giving to them. The past several weeks we have been in the re-entry stage. We are learning to be home together again. I have had to apologize, ask them to forgive me & become more patient already. I have had to learn again how they learn. Knowing how they learn and having to teach an idea or concept to them changes our dynamic so much. We truly communicate. I must admit, I had to go back to Abby on Friday and ask her to forgive me because I was explaining something in a way that made perfect sense to me - but not to her. I was so angry that she wasn't understanding what I was saying. I stepped back, got some coffee, asked her to forgive me for my attitude and then we started over and she got it. See, even this process was good for us.

We begin at 9:00 every morning. We go to the table, talk, pray, read the bible (right now we are in Romans), go to YouTube and find a worship song that has lyrics (this past week we sang, Jesus Messiah by Chris Tomlin everyday). We take time for prayer request, confession of sins and prayer. After that both older girls start with math and then go on to their reading workbooks. Next they have grammar, writing & memorization work. Ellie is finishing up Little House in the Big Woods, which she was reading in school & Abby is reading Annie Oakley. We are reading out loud in the afternoon, The Magician's Nephew. They are not doing much more than this for the rest of this year. Of course Ellie is being tested on spelling and reading. Abby is doing a lot of reading and lots of narration/book reports. The fall will be a different story. We did decide to go with Veritas Press. We ordered their curriculum last month. I love the classical model. I'm a nerd. The history, Bible, Latin....I dig it.

If I were to sum up where I am now compared to where I was- I would say something like this: "The clumsy enthusiast groped along until one day she realized that her once fresh bruises were gone and felicity's sweet song was leading her still."

Family

2010-02-19T17:46:00.005-06:00

We were so glad to have some of Greg's family in for Ellie's B-day. Their generosity and the ease of the conversation was a real blessing to us. Glad they're back in the USA and looking forward to more visits in the future.
PS- I didn't get one pic of Greg's mom- sorry June! :(

Today consisted of...

2010-02-17T00:03:00.007-06:00

Today was my first day back, after a two year break, to homeschooling. Ellie, my 8 year old, began again today. Abby, my 10 year old, will begin again at the first of March. I have missed them and I am glad to have the time with them again. Today fit like a glove. It is amazing how easy it felt and how much laughing there was in the house. Much more relaxed again - yet all of our school work complete. What an unexplainable feeling to sit down for dinner again and not have to hurry. Ellie sat down with Greg tonight to show him everything that she had accomplished and was so happy that she had completed it by noon. We walked to a park down the street after lunch where we played for about 45 minutes...it was SO stinkin' cold! The kids did not mind a bit. On the walk home they had a blast filling their pockets full of pecans. They are all over the sidewalks. After we got home, we read a couple of small books, did laundry and then we went to pick up my great aunt.
Miss Bea, who is 79 years old, lives with my mom. And she has done a great job having her in her home. This year I made the connection, for the first time, why James categorizes orphans & widows together..."in their distress". There are so many observable similarities b/t foster children and the elderly - to list them would take days. Voicelessness, Nameless, Helpless, Isolated, Alone, Feelings of Hopelessness, Despairing...the list goes on. One of the few times, however, that I see true, raw, happiness is when Miss Bea is with my children. They are really great with her & she engages with them. Today they reminded her over & over again how to play UNO, and they were very patient every single time she played the wrong color & played when it wasn't her turn. We made Chicken Pot Pie- it was a vote that was decided upon by her! And Little Zoe climbed all over her, acting like a puppy, sniffing her face, kissing her and barking at her. Miss Bea even let Zoe tie a "collar" onto her! I am convinced more and more everyday for the need of community. There are lots of people in our house to "absorb" some of the "nuances" that come with being old! (& that also come with being an ex-foster child with r.a.d.!) It was really a great day. Now, I am beat. I am ready to climb into my warm bed, pray a prayer of thanksgiving and drift away to my "crazy world of dreams".

Don't forget- Feb. 17 is Random Acts of Kindness Day! ;)

Soccer

2010-02-15T21:22:00.004-06:00

As a family of six, four of those being children, we have to have a plan when it comes to organized sports. This season Ellie is playing. Her games start this month and today she had her first practice. She did a great job. I have to say that she did not complain one time and it was f.r.e.e.z.i.n.g.! On the way to practice she said, "Man, I'm glad that we didn't have school today or I would've not wanted to come to practice." They start at 5:30 and we are usually settled in having dinner- so she knows herself pretty well. :) She must take after me because once I am in for the night...I like to be in for the night. Hopefully the early morning games will prove to be something that she likes. We'll see!

Day 2

2010-02-12T22:14:00.001-06:00

SNOW!!!

2010-02-11T09:50:00.002-06:00

Thanks for asking.

2010-02-10T10:01:00.007-06:00

Below is a list of charachteristics that somewhat "define" children living with RAD. Reactive Attachment Disorder. RAD arises from a failure to form normal attachments to primary caregivers in early childhood. Kids will not display all of these at once, necessarily, and to greater or lesser degrees. Remember to pray for parents who are raising children with Reactive Attachment Disorder. Pray that the Lord will right the wrongs that have been done to these little blessings. And please be patient & gracious with these tired parents by not assuming that these are "disobedience" issues. Remember, "Let us all be slow to speak"...most of the parents who have chosen to adopt have walked into it soberly- with an open-stance toward their child. They ARE reading, praying, educating themselves, becoming students of their children. Adoption is messy. The Christian life is messy. What should our attitude be? "Consider it pure joy brothers when you face trials of many kinds..." Let us "hold unswervingly to the faith that we posses." Kids can grow "through" this. I was thinking yesterday about how far we have come. Our child can control herself through church now...she can stay in bed...she can make eye contact. Press on!

Childhood Symptoms of Reactive Attachment Disorder
*Superficially charming and engaging, particularly around strangers or those who they feel they can manipulate

*Indiscriminate affection, often to strangers; but not affectionate on parent's terms

*Problems making eye contact, except when angry or lying

*A severe need to control everything and everyone, worsens as child gets older

*Hyper vigilant

*Hyperactive, yet lazy in performing tasks

*Argumentative, often over silly or insignificant things

*Frequent tantrums or rage, often over trivial issues

*Demanding or clingy, often at inappropriate times

*Trouble understanding cause and effect

*Poor impulse control

*Lacks morals and values

*Little or no empathy; often have not developed a conscience

*Cruelty to animals

*Lying for no apparent reason

*False allegations of abuse

*Destructive to property or self

*Stealing

*Constant chatter, nonsense questions

*Abnormal speech patterns

*Developmental/learning delays

*Fascination with fire/blood/gore; will usually make the bad choice

*Problems with food; either hoarding or refusing

*Concerned with details but ignoring main issues

*Few or no long term friends; tend to be loners

*Attitude of entitlement or self importance

*Sneaks things without permission even if she/he could have them by asking

*Triangulation of adults; pitting one against the other

*A darkness behind eyes when raging

*Parents appear to be overcontrolling

Love this crew...

2010-02-08T21:05:00.002-06:00

Thank you Johanna for our family pic. Lucy Grace was looking at the camera! That's a first and a reason to be happy. She's come along way. I'm so excited about watching her grow up. The others are so grown I can hardly stand it. Where has the time gone? And of course...there's Greg- the B.E.S.T man alive. For real- He is such a great dad and husband. I am so excited about this year and all that it holds. We had to get a new pic taken for a family camp that Greg will be speaking at this summer. SO looking forward to going with the girls...they are super excited. Can you believe that I have never been to Colorado? We are also going to Mississippi in May to see my brother, Bill and his family. This is going to be great.
Alot to look forward to and good people to do it with.

This is weird...

2010-02-07T22:21:00.002-06:00

Abby is going to the orthodontist tomorrow. I know that some of you have already experienced this...but it's new to me. i feel like i am entering the next phase and i am feeling "a little verklempt". she will be going to the same orthodontist that i went to, in the exact same office. i am interested to see if it smells the same. she is really excited. $4000 worth of excitement.

Looking back at old post...

2010-02-04T20:10:00.005-06:00

i have been going back through some of my original post from a couple of years ago. i ran across this and had to share it - SO funny- it was from the end of 1st grade or the beginning of 2nd grade (Abby) :

"I thought that I would, again, share with you the paragraph that Abby wrote. She went to Christi's house one day for "school" and I asked her to give Abby the first sentence and to have her do some "free" writing....Here's what we got-

"One morning I took my favorite stuffed animals outside for tea. I said, 'Would you like some tea?' But no one answered. So I asked again. But everyone was quiet. Then I yelled at my stuffed animals and everyone said, 'Yes.' "

So...for those of you who want to homeschool because you want your kids to have great memories of what a patient & kind mother you must have been...sacrificial and self-less....never answering in a harsh tone...

Rethink it.

What I started reading today-

2010-02-04T19:55:00.002-06:00

Be Free

2010-02-02T22:03:00.000-06:00

Adoption from Catalyst on Vimeo.

Ellen Carol

2010-02-01T22:13:00.004-06:00

Ellie will be 8 years old on President's Day. I say that because school is out. Ellie thinks that she is out of school because it is her birthday! When I went into see my OBGYN the week prior to Ellie's birth she tried to schedule my c-section on the 14th. Me, being the girl that I am, insisted that it be the day after. I remember growing up. Just in case she had a sad Valentine's Day- I wanted her to have the next day to look forward to. Not knowing then what I know now -that I would have 4 girls- I am glad that there is always a party to look forward to! :)
Ellie is such a soft place for me to rest. She is an easy, quiet, content little girl. She is happy to sit in a chair with me all day. As long as I am holding her the world can pass way. She loves us so much and that is a satisfaction that I can feel. It is almost tangible. Ellie is such a joy to me. She softens my heart so quickly! What a gift from God she is to our entire family. Thank you Lord for the gift of Ellie!

If anyone lacks wisdom let him ask

2010-01-31T23:59:00.004-06:00

so- today was such a great day. greg has been preaching through the book of james. he is on his 5th sermon so far and it has totally been our light over the past month. after worship this morning we came home and had lunch together, greg took abby to a free throw competition & the rest of the afternoon we completely bummed out. zoe was ALWAYS "there" today. she always wanted me or greg to be touching her, holding her, playing with her. i snapped the picture of her with her skates on while she was trying to kiss her daddy. the other picture, as you can see, was my attempt at braiding greg's hair. i did ok for the first time. zoe freaked completely out. she was SO excited that her daddy had his hair like this! it made us both feel so good to see her SO happy. it's the little things ;) ...anyway. i have felt such a renewal from the sermons this month. knowing that my greatest need has been met, that God has given me a way to cope with my everyday life and to know that when i doubt He helps me with my unbelief. so much rest.

Zoe

2010-01-27T11:51:00.004-06:00

FINALLY after 4 years I am learning how to do black hair. Thanks to the labor of Biola and Veronica I think I am getting it. Last month Biola put a relaxer on Zoe's hair...and OH MY...that changed our life! Today she begged to wear her hair "down and long"...so here she is - The Beauty Queen!!

The Dream.

2010-01-17T20:43:00.002-06:00

What I started reading today-

2010-01-16T22:17:00.002-06:00

I will never leave you...

2010-01-15T08:16:00.010-06:00

"I will not leave you as orphans- I will come to you." -John 14:8

This week has felt impossible. There has been a concentration of difficult news flowing through our front door. I have honestly had to hold back the tears constantly. And as you know, fatigue does not help the situation. From people making choices to walk away from it all to friends who are left in the aftershock of the sin that has been done to them. When news of the earth quake hit Haiti Greg immediately hollered at me to ask about Amos.I, unaware of what had happened, immediately began to cry when I saw the screen. Amos, Aaron and Jamie's son, who is still in Haiti, is the same age as Zoe. This seems to be resting on me a little harder today. As I listen to Zoe play with Wren, argue with Lucy Grace over the DS & and think about how I "wish everyone would be quiet" - I am praying for their boy to come home. I am praying that he will not get sick, not be hurt and not be scared amidst the destruction the surrounds him. I am praying that his 4 year old mind will recover from all that he has lived through. Praise be to God for his parents, Lori & Licia at the rescue center & many who are praying for the people of Haiti.
As I reflect on my week,all that has taken place, the devastation and destruction is not as easy to see...yet. Fruit takes a long time to produce. What begins as a small seed will one day burst into full bloom. It may take an entire generation but it will yield its fruit...good or bad. My fear is that the seeds of destruction that are being planted now, by selfish actions, sinful longings and earthly mindedness will yield their fruit to our children, to their children and to their children.
I pray that we will look at the earthquake and see the unseen reality that it is displaying for us.
I pray that we will see the Lord in the simple, mundane, daily work that we call Life.
I pray that we will leave our children a heritage of fertile soil that will yield good fruit.
I pray that we will see ourselves as part of a greater story.

What I am reading now...

2010-01-05T23:26:00.002-06:00

This is really good...

2010-01-02T16:35:00.003-06:00

My mom forwarded this to me and i really LOVE it-

For those born before 1980-
First, we survived being born to mothers
Who smoked and/or drank while they were
Pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing,
Tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-base paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles,
Locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode
Our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads.

As infants & children,
We would ride in cars with no car seats,
No booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes.

Riding in the back of a pick-up truck on a warm day
Was always a special treat.

We drank water
From the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends,
From one bottle and no one actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon.
We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar.
And, we weren't overweight.
WHY?

Because we were
Always outside playing...that's why!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day,
As long as we were back when the
Streetlights came on.

No one was able
To reach us all day.. And, we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps
And then ride them down the hill, only to find out
We forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes
a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's and X-boxes.
There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable,
No video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's,
No cell phones,
No personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms.
WE HAD FRIENDS
And we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth
And there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt,
And the worms did not live in us
Forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays,
Made up games with sticks and tennis balls and,
Although we were told it would happen,
We did not put out very many eyes..

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and
Knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just
Walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team.
Those who didn't had to learn to deal
With disappointment.
Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law
Was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best
Risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever.

The past 50 years
Have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility,
and we learned how to deal with it all.

In the first 14 years I've learned...

2009-12-16T21:10:00.002-06:00

1. that i am usually wrong.
2. when greg recommends a furniture arrangement- he's usually right.
3. that new traditions can be taught and learned.
4. that it doesn't matter who gets the credit for something.
5. that greg has more patience than i do.
6. to listen.
7. to not expect someone to read my mind.
8. that it doesn't matter if anyone else in the world agrees with what we decide is ok with us.
9. that we are on the same team.
10. that i can trust greg.
11. that i am blessed to have a husband that ask my opinion and really cares about what i think.
12. that someone can see all of my faults, sin & ugliness and still love me.
13. that i can see the same in someone else and love them more everyday.
14. that i am not as good of a wife as he is a husband.

What is this all about

2009-12-10T05:35:00.004-06:00

i can't seem to shake this cough. of coarse i have really only had it for a couple of days. however, as everyone knows, i do not suffer as well as i should. my girls are at an age where "they are old enough- but not really" to take care of lots of things. but there is usually a bigger mess for me to clean up in the end when i hand it completely over. so, like other moms, when i feel just a little bit under the weather it's difficult...not bad enough to be in bed for the day yet too bad to be doing everything that needs to be done.
so- here i am -blogging in the dark. i was coughing so much that i knew i would wake greg up if i stayed in the bed. the part that i hate worse than having to get out of bed at 4:30 in the a.m. is knowing that when my foot hits the ground Wren, our dog, is going to hear it. one thing leads to another and before 6:30 everyone in this house will be begging for a pop tart. oh- and we're out of coffee. that's like being out of water in our world.
i have been thinking a lot about Christ and the fact that i am a Christian...primarily because of Advent. I listened to Abby on Sunday as she lead us to the second candle with another adult in our church. as i was preparing to speak atthe 5th & 6th grade chapel i studied 2 samuel where david sent for and brought mephibosheth to himself. he became his father. i am acutely aware during this season of Advent ("coming"), as we move toward epiphany ("discovery"/the day the magi discovered Jesus...who was probably two at that point) that this world is not my "rest", my home, my end. i am keenly aware of how odd, unsettling and foreign that sounds to many of my friends who are not professing believers, rather professing unbelievers. as foreign as it would be for my non-Christian friends to try and grasp this -it would be that foreign for me to try and reject this. it is who i am, what i am , how i am and why i am. when i light the candle and read the story i find comfort in knowing that i am a part of something so much greater than myself. it is not by me but it is for me. i did not attain it it took hold of me. my hope rest in the covenant made b/t God and Christ - on my behalf.
well, i have already had one little one crawl into my arms and it's just 6:05 a.m.. In the next 15 min. i will let the shower get very, very hot. i will take a shower. and then, when it's time to get out- i won't. i will stand there for another 3 minutes, drowning out my concerns, my schedule, the broken washer, my coughing and my empty coffee pot. As the water flows i will remind myself that no matter what happens today, "My greatest need has been met."

Holiday Thanks-giving

2009-11-29T22:21:00.004-06:00

over the past several days i have tried to articulate how thankful i am for EVERYTHING. however, i have been unsuccessful. in my feeble attempts i have found myself choked by emotion and at times paralyzed by fear. i think when i feel the most thankful i am simultaneously aware of my mortality. it seems that the more i have invested the more raw everything becomes. i remember my mom saying that "when you have children it's like wearing your heart outside of your body." i think that this sentiment can be felt in so many avenues. basically, the more you truly love God, people, your church body, your family & friends- the more you realize how utterly blessed you are to have any of them! So thankful for a warm house, a kid who needs special care and three who do not, a loving & strong husband who loves me and a church family that loves us. Thank you, Lord...how could I ask for more?

I Hit The Wall.

2009-11-22T23:26:00.005-06:00

I am sure that this will come as a surprise to many of you, but I am bothered by a lot of noise. This is very interesting even to me. I was raised in a large family. I had loud friends. I was loud. I liked my music loud and my fun loud. I worked as a youth minister, where noise is a must. One morning, however, I woke up to the noise of four little girls. My daughters. The main problem is that I can't send them home. They have to stay. They all like to talk all at once. One of them likes to sing any song, other than the one that is on the radio, at the same time that we are all trying to enjoy the one that has purchased air time. One of them screams every word that comes out of her mouth and one of them whines every word that comes out of hers. One of the girls is extremely dramatic and likes to yell phrases like, "Fine! I won't play then! It's too late!" The problem is that none of the things that she yells is contextually appropriate for the issue that she is responding to. Tonight all of these children made mush of my brains. I texted a friend of mine to see if she would watch the precious angels for one hour. I didn't hear back from her. One of my friends called, who is the mother of three, has a wounded leg & had had people at her house all day. When she VOLUNTEERED to keep the girls for an hour I was a little hesitant. But, that didn't last long. I took the girls over there and Greg and I went to Chili's for one hour. In the car on the way to her house it reminded me of the Sunny D commercial where the parents are starring into oblivion and the teen aged girl is singing off key while the brother is playing a video game. By the time that we dropped them off we were literally like, "Let's not say a word...Let's just be quiet and press delete." After an hour we had regrouped and actually went back to the house where we had left our children and picked them back up. That to me is the amazing part of parenting. One always goes back. Huh.
After we got home, Greg put the two little ones to bed. If your house is like my house, for some odd reason all of the children seem to obey the dad a little more quickly than the mom. We made some coffee and sat down to watch Collision, which I strongly recommend. We pre-ordered this several months ago and have been anxiously awaiting its arrival. GREAT way to end the night. LOVE a great debate. All of us need to re-think our beliefs. We all need to ask ourselves difficult questions as well as welcome difficult questions from others. Inter-acting with new ideas should not scare us. Other people doing things differently than how we ourselves do things should not make us feel insecure or stir up self doubt. Answering the why questions should lead us to a stronger understanding of what we truly believe.
I am so thankful that I have Greg. I am so thankful that I have my children. I honestly do not know what I would do without them....except sleep...I would sleep. I am thankful for family, friends, coffee & grace.
Lucy Grace has started saying something new. almost every morning while stirring her "PICK" of the flavored oatmeal, she says, "Mommy, this is the best day of my life." Oh to be that thankful. To open a box of variety oatmeal, where only Peach has been left to choose, and to still think that this is the BEST day of your life- that is real gratitude.

Ft Worth Stock Yards

2009-11-07T08:56:00.008-06:00

Abby's 4th grade class went on a field trip to the Ft Worth Stock Yards yesterday. It was undoubtedly the best field trip that I have had the privilege to be a part of. If you go- you MUST pay $8 per person for the guided tour & request Peggy. She was great. It is well worth it!

I have been here (in Texas DFW area) and never knew most of the history that was shared in the tour. It is an understatement to say that I liked this trip. Probably one of the most interesting things was the auction. This was really incredible to see. Lots of $$.

I highly encourage everyone to take this trip. I think Greg and I may go back in December....without all the little munchkins.

Well, it's 10:00...

2009-09-20T21:04:00.003-06:00

Sundays are my favorite day of the week. A run down of what this day usually looks like for me: Get up around 7:30 a.m. (compared to the 6 a.m. alarm I'm hitting Monday thru Friday) Eat, drink coffee, read the paper...etc. I make the girls lay all of their clothes that they are going to be wearing to worship out on our dining room table the night before. dresses, shoes, underwear, glasses...anything that goes on their body HAS to be on that table. I do not want to get into "it" before we go to worship. :) After they are dressed i then begin my "dress" ritual. we usually walk out the door around 10:00. Pick up a girl down the street and head to Westminster. Today we had a guest preacher who will be leaving for India soon with his wife and children. His sermon was very convicting as well as thoughtful and motivating. After worship we had our third Sunday lunch. everyone stays for this. it is truly one of the highlights of our families month. my kids absolutely love this lunch. on a normal Sunday, when we have no obligations (i.e.- bday parties, showers, etc) we come home and the rest of the day we are free. since my husband pastors and works a part-time job also, Sunday afternoons until we go to sleep Sunday night are literally the only time during the week that we are not "somewhere" else. the work of the pastor is weight-bearing. i am shocked at times to hear the grumblings and mumblings of parishioners. i am reminded of the saying, " if you have spent an hour in prayer over something - the elder in your church has spent three hours in prayer over that same thing." what is meant by that is : they do not approach their office, calling or position flippantly. i know, because i am his wife, that my husband eats, thinks, prays, breaths, studies, & feels the responsibility of his parish. all of that to say- on Sunday afternoons, he has just finished a sermon that he has spent a week or more preparing and he has not yet begun to "engage" with his sermon for the next week. so, we are usually free to hang out with friends, watch a movie, go to rockwall or on a date. fun, lazy stuff. today was different.
this month we have had 4 birthdays. no lie- it is like Christmas for everyone in this house EXCEPT for me and the 7 year old. EVERYONE else gets to look forward to Party Month. today, Sunday, we surprised my, now 38 year old, husband with an overnight get away. he and 2 of his closest friends went to Big D to stay in a hotel, go out and eat and I'm certain- smoke cigars. he was so excited. i know I'm crazy...because...i had two extra kiddos staying at our house tonight (because their parents got tickets to the cowboy's game and i couldn't say no because the stadium is awesome and i would want to go to that!) so- i left lunch today, ran to a bday party that started at 1:00 and lasted till 3. came home and the kiddos had just arrived. kissed my husband goodbye. swapped my van for my friends suburban. took the pizza orders from kids who think that i care what their "favorite kind of pizza is", cleaned messes, gave baths, gave meds, put kids to bed everywhere, and now i am wasting my life away on the computer. my kitchen looks like a scene from Hoarders. A family of rodents could live off of the popcorn and pepperoni that is on the kitchen floor. yet i remain calm. drinking coffee, fully loaded, looking at the open dish washer filled with clean dishes...wondering, "when was the last time i cleaned that ceiling fan?"
there is a couple in our church that brings home grown garden veggies to everyone every Sunday. i love this for so many reasons. one reason is because it is a deliberate act of love & kindness. this is a man of few words but big actions. a real servant. i told someone one day, jokingly ,that i could picture myself dressed like a pilgrim taking a squash and saying slowly, like a quiet puritan woman, "Thank you for the bounty, sir." (maybe it's better described as an english, dicken's type accent. why is this aspect so important to me???) there are literally 3 huge bowls that i am looking at right now, in my kitchen, of peppers, tomatoes, and pears. i seriously have to think of something to make and of neighbors to share with because they will not last long.
my great aunt who is in a nursing home, not for much longer though thanks to my mom, has truly struggled with life as of late. her whole life she has had the ability and the means to come and go at her will. her mind is pretty good but her body is failing her. the ability to hold her self upright, walk unassisted and drive are no longer options that she has. she has seen the "glory days" of her life.
as i think back over today, and the monotony that seems to loom around the other 6 days, i really do want to engage the "fullness" of it. i want to plunge into the deep end of "this" thing. kids everywhere, ripped hole in my chair, fingernail polish remover spill on my dining room table, crack in my tile, black paint hand prints in my hall, spankings, threats, kids spitting (man- it sounds like i live in a meth house).
one day when life rips it all away from me....when i am almost 80 and i have "used it up"...i want to genuinely, thankfully and graciously say, "Thank you for the bounty, Sir!" (minus the pilgrim garb)

"you're courage ask me what i'm afraid of..."

2009-08-24T21:06:00.003-06:00

i have been thinking a lot about the ordinary christian life. i believe that, in order to be consistent, my life should mirror that of Christ. i just finished reading, fields of the fatherless, by Thomas Davis. my friend, Christi, let me barrow it and i read it in about a day. at the same time, i have been listening to Sara groves' song, i saw what i saw, about her trip to Rwanda. i have never visited Rwanda. i have been to India, Amsterdam, Mexico & Houston. however, this song immediately took me back to my first day in a child protective services waiting room. i remember these three kids who came in to meet their mom for a visit. they waited and waited. finally the foster mom took them aside and told them that she hadn't shown up, she comforted them and they left. i think that was the moment that i changed. it "cut me to the soul". i think that it was then that i realized that i must choose go to "the hard place". i think in our consumeristic society we have lost touch with eternal realities. we would not need short-term mission trips if we were living "with" the poor, the orphan, the widow & the stranger. please know that i am not criticizing short-term ministry projects, i just think that somehow their has been a shift that has made these the norm as opposed to us actively seeking life among these that Christ lived among. i in know way feel like i have attained this type of life. i am, however, trying to push myself to detox from familiarity and comfort & deconstruct my rituals. i am trying to look for people who are uncommon to me, engage people who look different than i do, seek out the stranger, the lonely and to help the widow and the orphan in their distress. i think that many of us give up too fast. we try to "change" but because of the mechanical akwardness we feel in the beginning we stop. we have to push through. wedenesday night we read this passage in ezekial 16:49, "Behold, this was the guilt of your sister Sodom: she and her daughters had pride, excess of food, and prosperous ease, but did not aid the poor and needy." romans 12:16 says, "live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. never be conceited." deuteronomy 10:18-19, "He executes justice for the fatherless and the widow, and loves the sojourner, giving him food and clothing. love the sojourner, therefore, for you were sojourners in the land of egypt." we must ask ourselves why we are investing in the things, places, institutions and people that we are investing in. how are we measuring our success? how are we defining success? i have been wrestling with all of these thoughts. choosing to live the ordinary christian life is counter-cultural. it is tiring and revealing. to end with the words of sara groves:

I saw what I saw and I can't forget it
I heard what I heard and I can't go back
I know what I know and I can't deny it

Something on the road, cut me to the soul

Your pain has changed me
your dream inspires
your face a memory
your hope a fire
your courage asks me what I'm afraid of
(what I am made of)
and what I know of love

we've done what we've done and we can't erase it
we are what we are and it's more than enough
we have what we have but it's no substitution

Something on the road, touched my very soul

I say what I say with no hesitation
I have what I have and I'm giving it up
I do what I do with deep conviction

Something on the road, touched my very soul

Something to think about-

2009-06-11T16:33:00.001-06:00

http://blog.sojo.net/2009/06/08/education-in-color/

Parenting the Hurt Child

2009-06-08T08:34:00.006-06:00

This is the title of one of the books that we purchased this weekend at The Greater Houston Adoption and Orphan Care Conference. The conference was informative, encouraging, motivating and convicting.
I am always intrigued by the people that the Lord has us cross paths with. Josh and Amy Bottomly, who co-authored the memoir, From Ashes to Africa, spoke in the same room as us the hour before. Josh did a wonderful job reminding me of the powerful ability that one person has to "bring order to chaos". Josh and Amy have partnered with The Red Letter Campaign(I also met Sam and his wife, Wendi, who started this campaign with a goal of raising $50 K and to date have raised $750 K) and Children's Hope Chest "to form an online community that sponsors three orphanges in Addis Ababa." What an encouragement, motivation and kick in the butt to "do something"...anything but nothing. I have honestly not thought too much about over seas adoption. I think that I am too lazy. It embarrasses me to say that, however, that is what I see when I look in the mirror. To adopt overseas can be a lengthy, expensive, pain-staking endeavor. I am praying that I would be able to have a hand in bringing change to some of these impoverished areas, for these impoverished people.

"...fourty two thousand children were adopted from foster care alone in 1999. There were sixteen thousand adopted from countries oversees. Almost all of these children have suffered trauma, be it movement from home to home, by parent or orphanage care, or abuse. Some of these children have fragile genetics. Many others were bathed in alcohol and drugs before birth.. Some were left on porches, and more than a few were recovered from trash containers or rescued from homes in which most rooms appeared to be a trash container." (pg.9) "Whether a child's mother left him in China due to socio-political reasons- or if he was dumped in a U.S. high school bathroom because his mother was terrified to tell anyone about her pregnancy- the end result is the same: the infant was abandoned by the woman who gave him life." (pg.15)
I remember reading excerpts like those pre-adoption and thinking, "Man, these people are really reaching. The kid didn't even have solid memories- there is no way that all of these "issues" can be pinned on abandonment & loss." Today, I think differently.
Things are not the way they are suppose to be.
When a new mom jumps at every whimper of her pink, fragile, baby- God smiles. "Children are a blessing from the Lord."
When a father boast to his neighbor about his son's accomplishments - God applauds."This is my beloved Son in whom I am well pleased."
When a mom or dad works all day, and sometimes all night, to take care of the child that has been entrusted to them - God blesses. "I have been young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread."
The sad truth is that this is not the reality for thousands of infants, babies & children. What a scary time to be born into the world.
Foster care, adoption & orphan care can create a messy "life". I have to be honest, I do not think that every one should adopt. I do not believe that every one should foster. I do not believe that every one should move overseas to live at the orphanage. I think that there are some people that can handle fostering better than orphan care- and their are others that are up for the task of adoption.
However, I do believe that all three of these are our responsibility. In some way- we must help the family that fosters. In some way- we must care for the traumatized children and minister to the shell shocked families who are raising them. In some way- we must walk along side those who have moved to Ethiopia to care for the 10 year old orphan and her 4 younger siblings.
God, help us.

Blog in Motion

2009-04-16T15:49:00.003-06:00

i am going to try and post before the weekend! what a crazy life...field trips, presentations for 1st grade classes, presentations for high school students....stop the train and let me get off. i have something i'm working on- hopefully i can complete it!

New Life

2009-04-07T21:39:00.007-06:00

I have had an interesting couple of days. I'm not sure what I was expecting when I signed up- and as far as that goes, I'm still not sure what to think. Yesterday and today I got to speak to a couple of health classes at the high school. I was working on my Master's in Public Health when my life was re-directed. I have always wanted to have my hand in this field because most of the voices there tend to be a little more liberal than mine. I think it's good to have balance. After volunteering at Thomas Street for over a period of about five years, and engaging in dialogue with people whose views on life are as opposite of mine as one can conceive, the flame was fanned to greater heights. I do believe that being involved in the foster care system & CASA is another way to make a difference. But the past couple of days have been what I was preparing for.
Worldview is something that most high school students never think about. It is like air to them. They rely on it without thinking about it. They trust it- even though they can't explain it. And they defend it -however illogical it may be. It is necessary that the kid thoughtfully consider why and how she draws her conclusions, agrees to her presuppositions and makes her life-altering decisions. Before I became a parent I spent most of my time with kids their age. After high school, while I was still in college, I worked with teenagers. I am still amazed that parents let me take their children on trips, over-night excursions and teach them in a structured setting-about life, the Bible, other people & our relationships with them, for about 4 uninterrupted hours a week. I am glad that their are adults who truly care about "making a difference" in the lives of youth. For the most part they need all of the good advice that they can get. That being said, I think that teenagers have the capacity to think deeply, reason logically and love deeply. However, we live in a society that demands little of them, labels their disrespect as individuality and "dumbs down" any potential "life altering" conversations that we might actually engage in with them.
The opportunity that I had was to speak to them concerning worldview, abuse & pornography. The discussion, I felt, was very honest, revealing and interesting. EVERY girl, All of them, said that one day they wanted the person that they marry to be "hard working". That was interesting to me because they wrote their "List of Top 5" privately. I would love to see some type of "generational trend" research concerning this. (I made a list when I was in high school of what I wanted in a husband and that never crossed my mind. I think I said something like: 1. he has to be blonde 2. he has to be a cowboy. 3. he has to be casual....nevermind.) I know that I said college graduate. NONE of them said that. When speaking to a lady in my church who is 80 on Sunday, she said that she used that exact phrase (hard-working) when she was growing up to describe what she desired. "Why?" I asked. She said, "Because my dad was so sorry." Anyway, I digress. Only two of the girls out of 22 said that they were not allowed to date because "their parent were over-protective." All of the girls said that their parents needed to meet the person that they were going out with, however, none of them said that their parents actually asked the "potential" date any questions. They just wanted to know who he was before their daughter got in the car with him.

So glad He bought this...

2009-03-12T21:39:00.003-06:00

Greg ordered this book and we started reading it tonight. I love it. It is no secret that I am a fan of Dr. Voddie Baucham. This book is for everyone. Very motivating.

And They All lived Happily Ever After...

2009-02-22T21:42:00.004-06:00

Ellie had a GREAT 7th birthday. ABG Family Fun Zone did a splendid job!!! I highly recommend them. After all was said and done, Ellie was pumped to have a wad of money. We walked around the SUPERPLEX for an hour and a half...until she settled on something that will change our lives forever. A SNOWCONE MAKER.

Daddy's Girl

2009-02-17T18:24:00.003-06:00

Happy 7th Birthday, Butterfly.

2009-02-15T23:49:00.003-06:00

My Baby Girls

2009-02-07T13:56:00.003-06:00

The One of Whose Name We Do Not Speak -(#2 in the series of "Who inspires me?")

2009-02-03T21:59:00.008-06:00

We do not speak her name because she has asked us not to...not until our daughter turns 18. By "our daughter" I am speaking of hers & ours...Zoe. Zoe's birth family is, in many ways, alot like ours. Zoe is the fourth child in her family. She is our fourth child. Her biological siblings are 9, 7, & 4. Her three sisters are 9, 7 & 4. Her mothers truly loves her.

I remember when I heard that her mom had named her. I felt very threatened. "I thought she didn't want her." I yelled from the kitchen. I feel so much shame in typing that. So embarrassed and exposed that my thoughts were on myself at all. I am ashamed that I thought, "She didn't want her." Zoe's mom held her and was there for her. She carried her even though she knew that she would not raise her. I am so thankful that she did not kill her.

“Abortion is so critical to us, because this is essentially a genocide. According to the census of 2006, African Americans are reproducing below replacement level, which is 2.1 children per household, and we are now at 1.9. We need to turn this around quickly, because over 1,400 African-American babies are aborted every day. That’s going in the wrong direction.” - Walter B. Hoye II, executive elder of Progressive Missionary Baptist Church of Berkeley.

She looked for an agency that would place her child with a loving family. She filled out the book they call "intake". She went to her doctor appointments. She named her...she thought through what she wanted to name her and she wrote it on the birth certificate. Do you know what that will mean to Zoe one day. She wasn't in a hurry to "get this thing over with". Yes, we named her also.

The first time I saw Zoe, we went to the foster family's home. Dawn, her foster mom, was at Zoe's birth. I will be eternally grateful to her for being there to care for Zoe when we could not. Meeting my baby for the first time at 2 weeks old was one of the most surreal experiences of my life. Greg and I left that day, after our initial meeting, without her. We knew that she was ours- but we couldn't have her yet. Let me just speak to this- it is a very difficult place to be. For those of you who have a hard time understanding this- try to remember what it was like the day you found out that you were pregnant. 9 months seems like a life time. Now try to imagine leaving your child at the hospital and going to visit for the next two, three, for some 18 months. By the time Zoe finally got home- she was 2 months old. Dawn is still in our lives and I hope that she always is. All of these people: Zoe's birth mom who named her, Dawn, the foster mom, who held her and fed her, Charles, the foster dad, who called her "Lovey", Generations Agency that didn't overlook us because we were white and unable to withdraw thousands of dollars from our checking account (notice I did not say "savings account"), The Deacons at Redeemer Presbyterian who paid for our legal fees because "this is a church issue." ...they are tangible portraits of the grace of God- not just for Zoe- but for us...all of us. All of this is because Zoe's mom loved her.

Dear ___________________,
I hope to meet you one day. I hope that you will pleased with us. I know that you must wonder everyday where she is. I pray for you. I pray that you will feel how happy she is. Did you know that she lays in the floor every single day, like clock work, and belly laughs for 15 minutes. She has to release it. Her favorite song is "In Christ Alone" by the Getty's. She calls it "Christ of Christ". Did you know that she is overwhelmed by love. I think that you would be so happy that she has beads in her hair. I can hear her turning over now, her beads are hitting against each other. I heard that your hair is beautiful and that you are gorgeous and tall. She has really straight, white teeth and an intoxicating smile. She shares a room with her older sister and they have matching quilts. She is very smart, extremely verbal and loves to hug. I want you to know that she will love you. She will probably think about you one day as much as you think about her. I want you to know that I will tell her how grateful to God I am for you and that she should be also. I know that she will be inspired to live a life that is bigger than herself- because of your example. Know that we love you- because you are a part of our little Zoe.
Until our paths cross,
Tracey

My two front teeth...

2009-01-28T23:08:00.002-06:00

Ellie is such a sweet girl. She is quiet- but courageous. She is adventurous, tenderhearted & toothless! I have been waiting for Ellie to loose both of her teeth at the same time. I love toothless kids.

It's not because my children are black.

2009-01-24T21:47:00.002-06:00

I am not on a campagin against racism simply because 2 of my children are black.
I am on a campaign against racism because, as a Christian I believe, we are all created in the image of God.
I do not believe that Adam and Eve were white Americans.
I believe that all that God created is an expression and reflection of Himself to point us back to Him.
I do not believe that "unequally yoked" is in reference to whites & blacks.
I welcome any color in my home- "from all tribes and peoples and languages".
I am on a campaign against racism because 2 of my children are white and they never think about their skin. They never feel left out because of it. They never think that everyone is looking at them or that no one will choose them because of their color.
I am on a campaign to be a logical thinker.
I do not think that a bi-racial child will "have a hard time" -simply because they are bi-racial.
I am not concerned about the color of skin that my son-in-law's will have. I am happy that no one can figure out "what my husband is".
I am white. Two daughters are white. My husband and one daughter are carmel. My baby is brown. I love a man who is a Jew. Some of my deepest friendships are with international transplants...who happen to be dark skinned.
I strive to be patient with people who do not "try" to engage those who are different than themselves. I think that we must pray, engage, work to build true friendships with, and love those who are different from us.

Greg Fields

2009-01-12T22:54:00.002-06:00

I am on my third attempt to begin this post. Greg and I have been married for thirteen years. We only dated for seven months when he asked me to marry him. I knew that I was going to marry Greg the day that I met him. It was confirmed to me by my dad. On Greg's last night in Greenville, after teaching a Disciple Now in my parents home, I decided to take him on a tour of Greenville. We had just driven up to the the top of the old Cadillac Hotel and as we were driving back down, my bag phone rang. It was Woody wondering where we were and what time we were coming back to their house. I told him that we were just out driving around and he said, "Well, I can't go to sleep until you get back- I know he's the guy that you are going to marry." So, we went home...
One of the first qualities I saw in Greg that was attractive to me- yet also frightening - was his honesty. Even to his detriment he was fiercely honest. Raw & unedited. He was never bothered or concerned by what others thought about him. He shared about past failures, sinful patterns, emotional hang-ups and obsessive tendencies. Don't confuse this with people who "have no filter". The way he shared was beautiful to me. He had the passion of Peter and the heart of John. He had the voice of Ezekial and the doubts of Thomas. At the time that we met, I was on staff at a church. If any of you have ever served in any type of leadership capacity then you know that most of the people who are suppose to be following you- do not really like honesty. They like to hold you in a nice, ordered package. They, for the most part, like predictable behavior and solid, bold answers. I met Greg about a year after he had returned from Desert Storm. He had recently broken off an engagement and was trying to decide what he wanted to be as a grown-up. He was so real. I saw him coming a mile away. He was so different to me. His honesty inspired me then and his honesty inspires me now.
I am also inspired by the way he "wrestles to understand" an idea and how he seeks to truly interact, discuss and engage the given topic. This is not his natural bent. Greg would, on many occasions, rather watch a movie, go hang out with friends or sleep. The difference, that I have observed with him, in comparison to myself and others, is that he does not easily give into his desire to be entertained. He will do the work necessary to comprehend. I am inspired, encouraged and challenged by his unwillingness to give up "when his brain hurts" and his eyes are tired.
I am constantly inspired and moved by his patience. Greg is a great dad. He has the ability to "suffer-long" and sleep-little. With our four girls there is rarely a night that one of them, if not two, are in need of something. One is either scared, or sick, or wet or cold. He never complains about this aspect of "the job". He is very rarely in a hurry when he tucks them in, he is slow and thoughtful when he reads and talks with them in the evenings and he is much "slower to anger" than I am! He listens, questions and thinks. He shepherds, nurtures and comforts. I am inspired by his patient care of his family. He sees himself as the responsible head of his home and works hard to protect it.
(I could go on for hours, literally. However, these three seem to rise to the surface.) I am thankful, that I get to live "upclose" with Greg. I am happy that I get to watch him, learn from him and hang out with him everyday. (...and scream outloud together when Jack Bauer escapes with Tony Almeda from the FBI !!!)

So, not to sound like a cliche...

2009-01-12T16:03:00.003-06:00

Over the next couple of weeks I am going to attempt to post on those who inspire me. I will divide these into different catagories- that define the reasons for inspiration. Due to lack of time...I am going to write about this person later this evening...
Not to sound like a cliche but....My husband, Greg, inspires me in so many ways. This is a thoughtful blog so I do not want to rush or cram...more to come.
I love you, Greg.

My favorite gift...

2009-01-03T11:32:00.002-06:00

A New Year

2009-01-02T15:19:00.002-06:00

So, I hate to even post this next line, but here I go: My new years resolution is to blog consistently. I fear is that I am setting myself up for public scrutiny. However, I haven't written in so long that there is probably no "public".

I have had a question floating around in my head for the past several weeks. It drifts from side to side like a bubble in a pinball machine. The question is,"Who inspires me?" I think that there is an answer...that is not difficult to find. However, I know that my values will be revealed when the question is answered. I don't really care too much about how others view my values, my convictions or my passions. I have a hard time seeing them.

I remember taking all of these personality profiles and assessments when I was an undergraduate. I would answer all of these questions, about myself, through my own distorted lense, by my own assesment of myself- and this test was suppose to "define" me. It was going to tell me what I should aspire to be and what I type of person I was to marry- all based on my perception of myself. I soon came to realize that I have a very biased view of me.

So in asking the question, "Who inspires me?" I must ask myself "What do I value?" Who do I look to as a model, an example, a pioneer in all that I desire to be and accomplish. What do I want the painting to look like when I sign my name at the bottom? This is about value discovery and a hard look at myself and others.

I am excited about splitting hairs to discover what I really want and the romanticized idea of what I say I live for. I think that I will need to ask some close friends, family and my kids what they see that I am living for. I think that there are times when those outside of us have a truer understanding of who we really are than we ourselves. This should be interesting.

Fall has arrived.

2008-10-28T21:45:00.013-06:00

We are going full speed ahead in the Fields' House. With the speed comes little time to re-group & re-create. There are several things in my life that I feel I can never complete: laundry, dishes, floors, closets, bathrooms...etc. I often think about how important it is to me, and my family, that our house "feel" like a home: a place of grace and rest...not chaos and confusion. Now, that does not mean that ours is clutter free, quiet and never out of order. In fact- it's the complete opposite of this. If you were to walk in to my house today you would find piles of sorted laundry that need to be put away, drawers of worksheets that have quickly been shuffled from the Tuesday Folder to the Catch All Center. One thing that I have discovered about my family is that we live life hard. We wear things out faster than most. We stain things and seem to exhaust the resources faster than we can replenish them. This is a difficult way to live. We do not have the luxury of donating last falls boots because there is another child that needs them this fall. We have had to learn to overlook carpet stains, worn fabric on a chairs, and a house litterd with rock collections, broken crayons and shoe laces being used as leashes on stuffed puppies. I must admit- this can wear on my soul. It is truly a battle at times. However, it is not near as taxing as it used to be. I guess it has become an issue of survival...and at times finding joy in suffering. Many would not define this as suffering. However, if anyone has ever had to engage in mind battle to talk yourself through the stress you feel "when you just cleaned the house yesterday and it's already a mess" then you understand the toll that this can take on you. I think that I have really had to learn to let certain things go and set realistic expectations. I feel if I can get my entire house cleaned, and by cleaned I mean, everything in its place, the floors swept, the bedrooms vaccumed and the bathrooms cleaned, ONCE a week- then I am ok. The rest of the time I try to keep the front two rooms orderly. That way if someone drops in I'm not freaking out the whole time. Also, I hate for the main living areas to feel cluttery when the girls come home from school. I think they feel better when the come home to a more peaceful, orderly environment. I have often thought that you can tell the "type" of life a person lives by looking at their house. As much as I would like for my home to be featured in Cottage Living, the reality is that we are better qualified for an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. Someones house can be really orderly because it is not "lived in". So, all things considered, my livable house will have to do. For now I am praying that it will serve as salve for my weary body and not an irritant.
In the words of the modern sage, Kenny Chesney, "So I've been trying to slow down. I've been trying to take it easy- in this here today gone tomorrow world we're living in. Don't blink- just like that your six years old and you take a nap...you wake up and your 25 and your high school sweetheart becomes your wife. Don't blink- you just might miss your babies growing like mine did; turning into moms & dads, next thing you know your Better Half of 50 years is there in bed and your praying God takes you instead...Don't Blink....life goes faster than you think!"

I can't believe it's been 4 years...

2008-09-10T21:24:00.002-06:00

Happy Birthday Lucy Grace. I love YOU!

Happy 9th Birthday, Abby!

2008-09-08T00:35:00.001-06:00

I love you.

The First Day of Non-Home School

2008-08-19T22:22:00.005-06:00

Well, Ellie's first day of First Grade and school outside the home is in less than 8 hours. Abby will begin 3rd grade and I will experience my first day with my two older girls gone.

Ellie assured me on several occasions today that she would "think about me alot". Then she gave me a crooked & excited smile that let me know for sure that I would not cross her mind even once in the eight hours that she would be gone.
Abby reported to me in the van today that "at the park in the tunnel crawl space the worst word in cussing history is written there." Then she laughed and said, "That's pretty funny, huh, 'cussing history'." She was so proud of herself for that phrase. Like mother, like daughter....
I think they'll be fine.

I have been thinking...

2008-08-16T09:40:00.003-06:00

a lot about contentment. I tend to think about "the next thing." I was recalling a friend of mine who constantly fussed about his context. The city was too hot, the people were all fake, the student life style was not satisfying, working on a PhD is so time consuming...etc. The next place they moved for their life to finally "begin" ended two months later with the spouses announcement that she was "done with the marriage". I have often wondered, "What if the next place turns out to be worse and all the while I've not enjoyed where I am because I was in a hurry to get somewhere I didn't want to be."
This morning is Saturday. All across the world people are relaxing in their pj's, drinking coffee and preparing for tomorrow. What if we decided to stop preparing. Really. Just for one day. I have a pile of laundry in my laundry room and one in my bathroom. There are two walls left to paint in my living room and two that still need to be cut in. There is dinner to think about and a lesson to be reviewed. When I think about all of that- I really can feel my blood pressure rise. I want to plan my escape. However, I could just let it ride.
Summer has come and gone, Ellie is about to lose her first tooth and school starts on Wednesday. I need to go back to Weight Watchers, get my hair cut and mop. My cell phone won't hold a charge, the back light has gone out on the screen and I have to call people back. The bananas are bad, the dishes need to be put up and I have no idea what I am going to wear.
I think I will lay back down for an hour.

Only a month to go...

2008-08-01T14:34:00.002-06:00

and summer '08 will be a thing of the past. This is the first summer that we have been able to "breath" since having all 4 children. I have been able to take them swimming on a consistent basis by myself, take them on a road trip, spend the night away from our home with them and everyone did great! I think that Zoe will be completely potty trained by September, when she turns 3. Lu can now swim with out floaties and she will be 4 in September. For the most part, they are "self loaders" when we have to go somewhere, and they all know when they are disobeying and when they are obeying.

Today we stayed home. Lu and Ellie and I made cookies and then had a "lemonlade" (as Lucy says) Tea Party. I am lemonade-"water logged". I never want another glass. Now, at 3:45 p.m. Zoe and Lucy are in the shower screaming at each other over 2 cups that are exactly the same. My 6 year old is in recovery from the tea party and my 8 year old is in recovery from spending the night at a friends.

I feel like this is the way things are suppose to be. Like this is the "norm". The chaos, the busyness, the constant multi-tasking, the quick "interactions" between the management of the "house" & the errand running. I have noticed that the older my kids get and the more interactions that we have with other families their age, I find myself asking, "Is this the way other families are?"

The approaching school year will be "new" for me. Abby will be in 3rd grade and Ellie will be in 1st. Both of my big girls will be attending a school rather than being home schooled. Lu will be attending pre-school somewhere and Zoe will be with me. I feel like I will be able to rest more than I have in 9 years. I do plan to take advantage of this.

As for the next 20 days...I want to weave great memories for my girls and our family. I want to rest when they are in school and celebrate when they are at home. I want to be intentional in making myself present for all of the things they love- swimming, getting sno cones, staying up late, painting their rooms and catching fire flies.

Black In America

2008-07-14T22:22:00.002-06:00

PLEASE go to iTunes and download FREE "Black in America". It is 33 minutes long and it is a "must see". (Go to the Store, Click on TV shows & search "Black In America" in the tool bar, located at the top right hand side.) I am a little "challenged" when it comes to "linking". :) sorry!

13 years ago today...

2008-07-03T13:25:00.003-06:00

Greg asked me to marry him! Greg, Me, My Mom & Dad went to see Apollo 13 in Mesquite. Greg asked Woody in the popcorn line what he thought about the idea of him asking me to marry him. Woody said, "That sounds like a good idea to me." We left from the theater after the movie, went to Town East and bought my ring.

We live in a society...

2008-06-20T11:42:00.004-06:00

that hates kids. I honestly believe this. Since I am traveling by myself with the kids this week I am keenly aware of the looks on peoples faces when I walk into a business with my four daughters. I am not going into places that are designed for adults, i.e. antiques, valuables, collectibles...and for the record, I am very aware of my kid's behaviour, volume and interactions with their surroundings. All of that said, I needed to pick up a book while we were out because Abby has two books that have to be read before the beginning of the school year. I pulled the van over, got the Yellow Pages that I had borrowed from my in-laws, and looked up Books. I called the bookstore and inquired about the two books. The "Children's Specialist", as she identified herself, urged me to come in. "I have four children with me - is you're store set up in such a way to fascilitate our visit." (Yes - that is how I asked the question.) "Definitely." she replied. "If you come right now we are not busy at all."

That was the begginning of our "Worst Store Experience" ever.

What I feel like I am starting to process through is the idea that our society finds it desireable for twenty and thirty somethings to act like fifteen and eighteen year olds -but they want three and four year olds to act like twenty and thirty somethings.

It is amazing to me that no one wants to tolerate even child "sounds". No one was even willing, when seeing my struggle with the kids in the store, to somewhat "pacify" me or empathize with my situation. Long story short, after "The Specialist" staring at me, while talking about "losing her debit card" with another customer, the "Other Department Specialist" not helping me , and Lu getting hit in the eye with a Barbie Mariposa book and crying way too loud for all of the other patrons - who were apparantly very "rushed" and unconcerned, we left. Unhelped and "feeling" embarrassed.

Now, I do not want my children to be a burden to anyone - however, I am not asking you to like them. I am asking the world to please let me and my family of 6, be who we are, too. You probably do not remember that you were a child once. Things that adults said to you and did to you greatly impacted you. I am nice to people that I do not especially agree with, or even like, everyday. I may think that they have made bad life-style choices, they may smell bad, are self-consumed, arrogant or ugly...however, if I am in a situation, especially where I am providing them with a service, I help them. I must say that I was completely shocked when I heard the story out of New Hampsire where the 70 year old man was hit by a car and no one helped him or even approached him to offer comfort. After today - I am not. God has every right to send us all to Hell.

Vacation.

2008-06-18T08:12:00.002-06:00

So...I haven't posted in awhile! I am planning on starting again after vacation. I, for the first time, took all four girls on the road...by myself. We are having a blast. We are at Greg's Mom & Dad's right now, taking lots of pictures with them & cousins, McKadan & Major. So- keep checking...I've got alot on my mind! ;)

Memorial Day

2008-05-27T07:49:00.003-06:00

This Memorial Day was great. A friend of mine that I have not seen in 18 years had lunch with us. In this picture is Brian, who I have known since my Sophomore year in high school, Me & Corey, who I have not seen since we graduated in 1990. He and Greg, my husband, had never met. We had such a great time talking, laughing and reminiscing. It is so cool to me how you can not see someone for so long and still connect.

The last day of school...

2008-05-23T08:08:00.003-06:00

I barely remember the last day of 2nd grade...which seems odd to me when I think of how "aware" I feel that Abby is. I very rarely think, "Man, I have hardly any concrete memories of the time that she is in now." or I guess I should say "distinct memories". I had a good childhood...i wish that each year could be remembered like a file folder, separate, distinct and organized. I do however, have very rich, multi-colored memories of 3rd grade. I remember Mrs. Underwood, who I still see from time to time. I have vivid recollections of my best friend, Kim, who still lives here and whose number is programmed in my cell phone. I remember writing notes, playing hand clap games in the hall and the smell of the hall. I remember our school custodian's name. Third grade was the year Capri Sun came out and OP was big. We wore Kanga-Roos (tennis shoes with pockets) and friendship bracelets were right around the bend. This next year will probably be the year that will "define, mark, memorialize" Abby's childhood. This will probably be what she will "look back" on and tell stories about. One day her child will probably say to her, "Tell me a story about you...when you were little."

I want to be deliberate without being controlling.
I want to be pro-active without being mechanical.
I want to teach her thoughtfully, enjoy her and love her passionately, and "paint her past" with great memories to reflect upon.

The Truth About Adoption...

2008-05-01T12:48:00.004-06:00

When I think back over the past several years about how the Lord chose to grow our family through adoption I can hardly believe it! I remember driving home from Tennessee and Greg and I making the decision to begin "the process". Our biggest concern was the time commitment. We were going to have to start foster licensing classes, CPR/First Aid certification, Fire inspection, a Home Study...and a long complicated "wait".

After about 7 months we got a phone call about a little girl that was 6 months old - we were to be her third foster home. I will never in , my whole life, forget the first time that I met her. Our case worker called me to meet her at the hospital. It was about 40 degrees outside. When I saw her, she was wearing only a t-shirt and a diaper...she was wrapped in a Pittsburgh Steelers blanket. I remember thinking that her head was perfectly round and that she looked Samoan. I remembered making a conscious note, "She could be your daughter so make this moment 'count'." She was laying on the hospital bed in the emergency room, two case workers were setting there. I leaned over her, thinking that she didn't look anything like I had expected and said, "Hi baby, I love you...it's going to be ok." She was very sick and we stayed in the hospital over Easter weekend getting her well.

The emotion that accompanied the foster to adopt process is something that is difficult to put into words. I usually compare this time to what it must feel like if your child to has a terminal illness. I felt as if I were always waiting for her to be snatched away and all of the "investment" was to be lost. However, that was not the case.

I can still smell the courtroom. On the day of our mediation- this is when you, the foster parent, meets with birth parents, grandparents, etc., to say basically, "If you will voluntarily terminate your parental rights- we will do these things...i.e., send pictures twice a year, let you see them once with in the next year...whatever you feel comfortable with - which lasted most of the morning... we were "spent". We had lunch with the case workers and then "finished up" in the juvenile court. Leaving the court room that day made it all seem o.k. We drove to the house, my mother in law had cooked dinner for us, we ate and I went directly to bed. I was so tired - from the last 8 months.

The fostering aspect revealed alot to me about myself. The fact that I would view my "investment" as a loss if she were not to be raised by us. The fact that I really didn't care about her birth parents "wishes" for her until we had reached the mediation process revealed the "superior" view I had of myself concerning them. They were young, and "products" of their environments.

I can not remember a time when I have been so aware of myself and of everyone around me as the day that our third daughter became a "Fields". It was very "real" and almost tangible. A legal change, a gavel hit, a pronouncement made...and generations, families and futures were forever altered.

This has been one of the most difficult, invigorating, tiring, and messy endeavors that our family has ever been a part of. There are days when I look at my children, the ones who are made of someone else's DNA, have different mannerisms and foreign expressions, and I feel like I am trying to communicate with a stranger who lives in my house. There are days that I feel like I will never break through the fog that seems to rest over the deep black eyes of my little girl. There are hugs that seem distant and looks that I'm sure some relative would recognize.

But then there is another day. There are little feet that run to me in the early morning hours and faint voices saying, "Mommy, I'm scared." There are prayers that I know would have never been prayed and songs that would've never been sung. There are two big sisters who would've never known the joy of having two little sisters. There are tickles that would've died and clean towels that would not have been used. There are grandma's that would've never known the love of these two little bundles and lots of chocolate milk sippy cups never made. My heart seems to grow wider and deeper when I hear them sing , "Jesus loves me this I know."

As one friend said, "Adoption is not for the weak." It is messy...but it is also beautiful. I would not change a thing.

I hate to do this to you...

2008-04-29T20:13:00.001-06:00

but i'm transitioning to wordpress. it's not complete yet...and i do not have my "links" up yet...but go ahead and change my address on you blog roll PLEASE...

traceyfields.wordpress.com

THANKS!!!

Coming Soon...

2008-04-27T17:53:00.000-06:00

"The Truth About Adoption"

See our photos...

2008-04-14T20:32:00.004-06:00

(READ THE WHOLE POST)
After you click HERE...click on BLOG and scroll down to "Adoption Sunday" ...our family pics are after "Ben's". If you have adopted or you are grown and are adopted please consider being a part of this project. Your family will be photographed and used in a coffee table book that will be released in 2009. If you are interested let me know and i will get Mandy's info to you. If you have adopted...please take part! We had a great experience. All of the families are diverse...the one thing that links them is adoption. Thanks to Jen at Sugar Photography, and Mandy, the masterminds of the project!!! We had a great time and we are building such a great friendship with their families.

The best day of my life...

2008-04-07T20:18:00.006-06:00

I have been trying lately to keep my mind focused. I noticed a couple of weeks ago, that I was having a very difficult time concentrating, due to what I have been feeling. It is, honestly, the first time in my life that I have empathized with someone who struggles with A.D.D...however, I know that my distractions will cease once my medicine is straitened out.

I got up this morning feeling good. The Prednisone has been a great relief and help for the here and now. We got Abby and Lucy Grace dressed, fed, prayed for, loved on & out the door and then I started on Zoe. She left at 9 to go to M.D.O. .

Ellie and I stood looking at each other over a cup of half-empty, cold coffee.

All of the sudden, I wasn't feeling so good. I was exhausted. My feet felt like they would explode. My heart was racing from the medicine and my fingers were screaming.

"Mommy, can we go to Starbucks to do school?" School?...I forgot that I still have a Kindergartner that will test on the 12th of May for her big "entrance" into 1st grade.

Sight words, numbers, time, Go, Dog Go!

"Sure...get your bag."

By the time we got there...it's so bad, that it is almost comical...I could've laid in the entry way and slept while customers stepped over me. Thank God, and I mean that, for caffeine.

We sat across from each other, in the far left corner "booth" by the windows. It was a little cool and the sun was just beginning to shine on us. The good kind of shinning..like early summer - it warms you just enough to remind you of a good memory that you can't believe you've forgotten.

We did math & sight words...and took a break. During "break" the most amazing thing happened. The greatest moment took place. I was watching Ellie draw a ladybug.

"Mommy, will you color her with me?"

"Definitely."

Then it happened...

Dido came over the speaker. That's right, Dido.

I was soaking it up...I was reminded...of how BIG life is...and how good it is...And how much I love her...and how I could've stayed right there forever.

"...and all I see is you
And even if my house falls down,
I wouldn't have a clue
Because you're near me and

I want to thank you
for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you
is having the best day of my life."

At the bottom of the picture she wrote , "The Best Day".

The Altar of Prosperity

2008-04-06T22:29:00.002-06:00

"The greatest obstacle to multi-generational faithfulness is prosperity."
-Dr. Voddie Baucham

from www.gracefamilybaptist.net (podcast - "Getting Your House in Order" 12/26/07)

Chapter 3 - Escape

2008-04-02T19:47:00.003-06:00

"The barn was very large. It was very old. It smelled of hay and it smelled of manure. It smelled of the perspiration of tired horses and the wonderful sweet breath of patient cows. It often had a sort of peaceful smell- as though nothing bad could happen ever again in the world."
-Charlotte's Web

"It's not the way I wanted it to end..."

2008-03-31T07:57:00.004-06:00

Many of you do not know that I have Rheumatoid Arthritis. A quick definition of this is : "Rheumatoid Arthritis causes inflammation of the joint lining, called the synovium. This type of arthritis can cause pain, stiffness, swelling, warmth, and redness. The affected joint may also lose its shape, resulting in loss of normal movement. RA can affect other parts of the body as well, including the blood, the lungs, and the heart. Rheumatoid Arthritis is 2 to 3 times more common in women than in men, and generally affects people between the ages of 20 and 50. However, young children can develop a form of RA called juvenile RA."

I was diagnosed about 3 1/2 years ago. It hit me pretty hard in the beginning...after about a year my medicines seemed to stabilize my condition. By this, I mean that my fatigue was manageable, I was able to walk without pain, my body didn't feel "flu-like" unless I was getting sick and I didn't wake up feeling bruised all over. However, about 6 months into the medication treatment I began to experience side effects that you really don't want to hear about, as well as constant nausea. I never had hair loss. I did develop "nodules" off and on...but mostly the nausea and symptoms that often accompany nausea, were persistent. Just a quick note- There are some people who have RA who run marathons, lift weights and exercise consistently...their bodies may react differently to the disease or the meds than others. My "journey", for lack of a better word, has felt uphill all the way. This could be because I am trying to manage my disease with 4 little ones beside me. As a result of my sensitivity to the medication, I was taken off of it this past year. "GREAT!" you say. The problem is that it is a very effective disease modifying drug. That means that it slows down the progression of the disease. Also, due to my insurance and the cost of the injections (even with insurance they average $400.00 a month) my "therapy" has been interrupted. This is just a quick overview of "what can be involved" in managing a relatively "manageable" illness. (And do not get me started on the issue of national health care - I am completely against it, unapologeticly, because I am experiencing it...and it cannot work. That's a post for another day.) I am now in the process of going to a new Rhuematologist (4-23) & starting new drugs. Right now I am on nothing for RA and I am having a very difficult time.
So, all of this does relate to Homeschooling. We began homeschooling for several reasons. One reason was because of the schedule. I was at a point where I was finding it more stressful, for our family, to "manage" my child according to the school's schedule. Having everyone dressed, all the papers signed, lunches packed, etc. by 7:45 a.m.. I found that aspect more physically "taxing" than teaching my child daily. Until recently, that has been the case...

This past week, after about two weeks of intense pain & fatigue, my sweet husband and I had a long talk. We decided that the girls needed to go back to school. This was a very emotional decision for me. We have only home schooled for a year and half...so I felt like I was just starting to "get it". Besides the fact that I have great kids, I really enjoy being with them and watching them learn. We took Abby on Wednesday to be tested (a standardized placement exam) and she did great. She is back with the same group of kids that she was with before, at the same school. She has loved being back - and that has helped me to adjust. Ellie will begin in the fall.

We told Abby that she was going to go back to school about two hours before we took her to be tested. She was cautiously excited. She, Ellie and I sat down around our bar to pray, read and sing before heading out for the day. When Abby prayed for me she began to weep...then I began to cry. Greg walked in and saw us all crying and asked, "Are we okay?" I stated that we were...just a little "mixed" in our emotions. I told the girls that we had to "Trust the Lord in this decision the same way that we had to trust Him in home schooling...one did not require anymore faith or trust than the other." God has been good to us.

So, as I laid in bed that night, I thought, "It's not the way I wanted it to end." I did not want this illness to decide anything for me. But it did. I haven't had to "give in to it" very much so far...but for now, I am. Who knows what the future holds? I do not...and I am ok with that. For now, I find rest in knowing that my life will take many turns and stops along the way. I am along for the ride. I can either choose to become pouty and bitter or thankful and humble. I want to be the latter.

Good Times

2008-03-25T22:31:00.005-06:00

Last night We had the privilege of getting together with Craig. I have kept up with Craig, however, Jason had not seen him in about 10 years. We had such a great time eating, laughing and being together. Thanks Craig for stopping by on your way through.

Pic : My husband, Greg, Amanda & her husband, Jason, & Craig.

What I'm Reading...

2008-03-18T16:24:00.004-06:00

Great Blog from Doug Wilson

2008-03-12T09:17:00.004-06:00

Speaking for Idaho, We Don't Mind
Topic: Education

Well, it looks as though the state of California has, for all intents and purposes, outlawed homeschooling. I was reading the comments for a post on this over at Justin Taylor's blog, and it appears that some commenters want to deny the obvious -- saying, for example, that this only disallows homeschooling when the parents don't have teaching certificates. Right.

Others say that some homeschoolers don't do an adequate job, and so it is in the state's interests to ensure that they do. Let me first grant the initial point, which is that some homeschoolers don't do an adequate job. How is that an argument for bringing in "quality control" from the king of all educational inadequate jobs -- the state? And having granted the initial point, let me propose a little contest -- let us compare SAT scores of all homeschooled California seniors and government school California seniors. Whoever loses has to be regulated by the other entity. If the homeschoolers lose, then the new law stands. If the government school loses, then we turn over the California Department of Education to a select committee of homeschooling moms. Ask them to fix it, or throw it away if it is beyond repair.

Having said this, let me make a comment on what this measure actually means. This is not really about the future of education in California, or even about the future of a lack of education in California. What this is is a government-mandated relocation program. California has determined that they have not yet gotten their massive drain of brains, industry, and thrift up to acceptable levels, and they want to do everything they can to get the kind of family most likely to be affected by this -- patriotic, committed to family, hard-working, and so on -- to think seriously about moving to another state. What oppressive taxation couldn't do, what massive, uncontrolled immigration didn't do, we will now accomplish by means of education harassment. Speaking for the Christians of Idaho, we don't mind. Over the years, we have already gotten more than our share of this kind of family moving here to contribute to our church and school. Reasons for moving? "I had to get my family the heck out of California."

TEXANS...

2008-03-04T13:52:00.002-06:00

GET OUT AND VOTE!!!

On a lighter note...this was Zoe's first time to get to play in the "snow"...not much if you live in Colorado or Tennessee...but for Texas - well, it's a big deal!

I love this!

2008-02-20T18:45:00.003-06:00

My brother told me about this and I love it.

Ellie turns 6.

2008-02-10T14:54:00.000-06:00

Ellie & Lillie at Ellie's February Luau.

I am still here.

2008-02-06T22:47:00.000-06:00

I am thinking. I have had no time to blog recently. I have been trying to stay on top of homeschooling, cleaning out and organizing my house and writing a little. I have been trying to spend a lot more time with the girls reading. I have been researching new floors for our house, we are adding a bath tub and shower to our half bath...in a while...so i have been looking into that...and I have been traveling.

When I say "traveling" I am not referring to Cabo or Maine...just a quick trip to St. Louise. I, my friend Lee Ann, and my friend Diane, all flew up on Monday and returned on Tuesday. Our friend's father passed away this past week end and we went to attend the wake and the funeral. I am so thankful that we got to be there and be a part of this important time. (For the record, I am glad that we made it home alive...because our flight home was traumatic.) Life is fragile. There is a very real sense in which "growing up means saying goodbye". It is a sad, sad "thing" to have to do. I will never get over it. Her dad died of lung cancer. He was a strong man, artistic, athletic and outgoing. He had very real interactions with people. His mail man showed up at the wake with his arms full of pizzas for the family. Many people stood in line to share words of praise, gratitude and sweet memories with the family. It made me want to live more thoughtfully. I left wanting to really listen to people and truly interact with them more...not just have a pacifying conversation. Death interrupts everything. It re-orients the lives of those who are still living. It demands your attention.

I was so glad to touch my family again, give them hugs & kisses and hear them argue with one another. After Greg picked me up from the airport, we ended our evening by wrestling with the 4 kiddos at On The Border. I was not pre-occupied with all of the things that I needed to get done, or bothered by the busyness that always accompanies us to the dinner table. It was sweet and I was thankful for life.

Thank You Dr. King

2008-01-21T23:27:00.000-06:00

Preparing for next year.

2008-01-14T20:22:00.000-06:00

It is a little difficult to start preparing for next year when we are just beginning this semester. However, the time has come. My friend, Kristen, who is in San Francisco, has decided to home school Judah. She has introduced me to some resources over the past couple of days that I am going to use next year...and I am beginning to use some of them tomorrow.

She told me about this book and I have loved it. I am really into other people's experiences. This book takes an inventory of 21 homeschooling families and their reasons for home educating. It is really interesting and helpful. Each family gives their curriculum choices, their best & worst advice and their daily schedule. I got this for $ .69 on Amazon.com. It is great and really fun to read.

This is a book that I looked at before I started homeschooling. It has been a great help this year. The thing that has really helped though is this : www.coreknowledge.org. Kristen told me about this TODAY and I have told three people about it in an hour. All of his (Hirsch) teaching resources are available and free to download and use on this site. I AM IN LOVE. This will be a great resource.

I also found this. These lessons are free and easy to download. They link you to Amazon where I bought 4 of the books for a penny each.

I think that I am switching to Saxon Math this next year. (1st and 3rd) I have not been pleased with my current Math choice. I am not very good at Math so I really need a scripted teaching guide. Maybe I'll learn at the same time. (I know that calmed everyone's fear concerning my ability to home educate my children!) I have heard good things and bad things about this curriculum. We'll see.

I hope to post this week on our schedule, the best & worst advice that I have been given and my favorites concerning homeschooling.

P.S. - On a personal note, if any of my friends, whose children attend a school, have a problem with being "out of school for MLK Jr. Day"...please, PLEASE, do not say something like this to me: "I can't believe that they get out for that and not for Veteran's Day...I mean, Veteran's Day effects everyone." Please...don't say that.

The holidays are done !

2008-01-04T22:28:00.000-06:00